UTG Podcast Episode 168: The Point Where You Break

20 Oct

A different format this episode; a raw capture of thoughts of a bad movie while it unfolds before our eyes. Through death-defying dares, bodacious bro banter and lucious lusty ladies Point Break is a remake that’s both nonsensical and terrile, a great combination.

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UTG Podcast Episode 167: Flip Hole

14 Oct

How much is too much when someone asks for a favor? This week’s A-hole of the Week answers that. A declining Japanese population is due entirely to advanced dildos, so that’s something to not play when kids are around. Enjoy!

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UTG Podcast Episode 166: The World’s Greatest Game on Earth

7 Oct

The UTG combines modern trends and years of expertise to pitch the greatest game ever made.

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UTG Podcast Episode 165: Cops Incorpserated

29 Sep

A cop interogates corpses he secretly smooches, technology will have unseen consequences and social anxiety when broaching the subject of video games wth strangers terrifying.

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UTG Podcast Episode 164: Gary Spaceman

22 Sep

History will remember this podcast as a journalistic dive into the world of sound therapy, colonoscopy, and Corey Feldman music.

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UTG Podcast Episode 163: Mister Lincoln Goes to the Patent Office

15 Sep

Lincoln visits the patent office to pitch the latest in music and fashion.  Meanwhile, Garfield critiques Usher’s latest album.

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UTG Podcast Episode 162: Colonize This

8 Sep

It’s important to bring the best and brightest minds to Mars when first colonizing. There needs to be structure, balance and a sense of perseverance. All we were able to come up with that was close was using small holes in the ship’s hull as standing male-only toilets. Lincoln is the a-hole of the week as a guest on this week’s UTG podcast.

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UTG Podcast Episode 161: Poor Concept, Great Execution

1 Sep

Jason Statham knows what he means when eating chow mien, Jackie Chan and Jet Li kill the Oscars and the sheriff in Lassie has a hard time breaking the news of a frog to a grown woman.

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UTG Podcast Episode 160: Gold Medalist Ryan Phillippe

25 Aug

Austin heads to Rio and Lincoln tries to graduate to co host in this weeks podcast that we were way to busy for but we haven’t missed one yet and were not about to!  Now you listen to it!  LISTEN!

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UTG Podcast Episode 159: You Tore-a My Plethora

18 Aug

Teeth growing in a tummy, the Moist Boys with Hot Seat with the original founding father of the Urban Toledo Gang Ben guests with Scott.

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UTG Podcast Episode 158: Sip Sips the Olympian

11 Aug

Meet several promising idiot Olympians including Sip Sips and Oboe, Murtrude reviews debuts his new live commentary track for trailers and the age old question of “should I show my butt on a first date?” is answered on the new Yahoo Answers segment.

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UTG Podcast Episode 157: The Lazy Painter

4 Aug

The laziest moments of your life are what truly makes you who you are, a painter paints on his clothes while hiding a box cutter and Trump sets off a nuke by using the wrong keys in his truck.

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UTG Podcast Episode 156: Favorite Bits Vol. 6

28 Jul

The sixth volume of UTG-selected favorite clips from a string of episodes including songs from the Moist Boys, behind the mic clips which never made it into episodes and plenty of bits which had us cracking up. Please enjoy some of our most loved clips.

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UTG Podcast Episode 155: It’s Broken

21 Jul

Turns out breaking your arm is extremely painful, sensory deprivation tanks are peaceful, fan mail submissions and learning to budget your money by not spending money on fencing equipment is the way to go in this spaced out episode of the UTG podcast.

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UTG Podcast Episode 154: Lustful Disney

14 Jul

Movie Plot game featuring all Disney animation classics with a lusty twist, Asshole of the Week is announced and Pokeballs are pokin’ around.

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UTG Podcast Episode 153: I Can’t Wait to Be the Swiss King of Thailand

7 Jul

Dumb laws goes international with the world’s oddest and dumbest laws including “you can have sex with her but not pay for it” and “you can have sex but you gotta finish!” With a laundry list of laws for the entire episode, you’ll walk away so much more worldly.

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UTG Podcast Episode 152: Locksmith

30 Jun

The best way to not do house work? Throw up your feet, enjoy a Popsicle and then throw out your back. Jesus clears things up at a conference for believers and locksmiths hate this one weird lock that can get you into any house!

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UTG Podcast Episode 151: Shatterday

24 Jun

A celebration episode as we say goodbye to the old UTG headquarters. Shatterman is born from bits of broken glass to become the most widely used actor in nearly every genre of cinema in this very high episode of the Urban Toledo Gang Podcast

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UTG Podcast Episode 150: React to Sound Effects Theatre

16 Jun

Looking back on the earliest Sound Effect Theatre and breaking down the often problem-riddled segment.

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UTG Podcast Episode 149: Immaculation

9 Jun

This one is 100% about vasectomies when Brian calls in and tells all about the snippin’ down under. Hold onto you butts because this one’s all about nuts.

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UTG Podcast Episode 148: Critical Overload Maximum Redemption

2 Jun

Max Red a washed up cop working a dead-end job when a mysterious man burns his family to a crisp setting into motion of tale of revenge, redemption, revolution and resurrection. When Red merges with his mortal enemy Vangaurd RealEstate forming a orb of omnipotent, immortal light, it’s up to their son to complete the revenge over 200 years in the making, with the help of Boxxy, Harold and Kumar.

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UTG Podcast Episode 147: Beaver Berries

26 May

The whole team is here to discover where raspberry jam comes from, debut Moist Boyz songs, perform a art house play with Magistrate and Pinks and find fun with magnets.

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UTG Podcast Episode 146: ChaBoi!

19 May

ChaBois talk all about all the gossip in Tinsel Treats!  Austin enters the dizzying world of vertigo and the gang names names in the name game.

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UTG Podcast Episode 145: Cupcaking

12 May

Though he’s in jail, Traffic Parrot lends his voice over talent for a scared straight PSA for kids. A new tickle fetish gives way to Cupcaking, the coolest frosting-based trend with young men.

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UTG Podcast Episode 144: Crabwalk Orgy

5 May

What would you do if you were invited to an orgy dance party? Guest Lincoln tells all! A very nice game of The Movie Plot Guessing game, see how many points you get!

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UTG Podcast Episode 143: Turnip Dead

28 Apr

Learning to defend yourself with a sword when you’ve been accused of sexual harrasment, Hot Chair segment returns with hard hitting questions and the sound effect “Skurr” is the hottest rap trend where rappers use their mouths to mimic cars!

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UTG Podcast Episode 142: Caffeine Pillz

21 Apr

Ben Affleck hatches a plan to stop the newest Total Recall sequel, hopped up on “caffeine” at Coachella weekend one and sleeping under an RV in this podcast episode

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UTG Podcast Episode 141: Volvo Troll

14 Apr

The sickest podcasters in the biz talk about how ill they are!  A mystery man wants your Volvo’s soul and Slyboy meets a bully.  Did you like this description?  Well I’m still sick and going to bed so thats all ya get!

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UTG Podcast Episode 140: Hot Chair

7 Apr

Do you have what it takes to sit in the Hot Chair? And what are your observations, listen to ours and be amazed!

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UTG Podcast Episode 139: A History of Violence

31 Mar

Super mega host JP replaces the old and worn out (temporarily) Patrick in this thrown-for-a-loop episode. Arriving by a train which hit a car, JP and Austin recount their extremely violent history as friends and the mysterious origin of how the UTG came to be is revealed.

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UTG Podcast Episode 138: Doctor & Doctor Brothers

24 Mar

Doctor & Doctor hand out diagnosis in the printer room while Phil the Robot handles patients and Miranda answers phones in this medical-filled episode with guest Scott.

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UTG Podcast Episode 137: Welcome to Miami

17 Mar

St. Patrick’s day celebrates the elimination of both children and snakes from Ireland, Will Smith does a lot of Will Smith songs and The Moist Boys sing songs starring him and Murtrude gives a review of the preview of Superman Versus now no longer starring Ben Affleck

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UTG Podcast Episode 136: Favorite Bits Vol. 5

10 Mar

The fifth installment of our favorite UTG Podcast with clips from specials guests and characters that cracked us up. Thanks for sticking with us and sharing in the fun!

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UTG Podcast Episode 135: Scott’s Rough Weekend

3 Mar

An in-depth break down of The Bachelor, rap music is becoming even more mumble-mouth and Scott has a tough weekend, with music from The Moist Boys.

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UTG Podcast Episode 134: Claymore Cop

25 Feb

The Yello song breakdown from the 80’s, Mark Wahlberg fulfills his lifelong dream of becoming a quadruple amputee in order to enter the Robocop Initiative, and if you have waxed nuts, let us know on twitter @urbantoledogang!

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UTG Podcast Episode 133: Not Quite Robot

18 Feb

This week a prank goes too far,  Moist Boys develop the new jingle “Half Off”, and phones start chatting on their own!

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UTG Podcast Episode 132: Alien Super Bowl

11 Feb

Aliens have supplanted our beloved Super Bowl with their twisted version of galactic blood sport. Will we survive? Would you pay an app to convince you that you exercised when you didn’t and god seriously just made it up as he went.

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UTG Podcast Episode 131: Junk Male

4 Feb

The week of the Super Bowl asks the question “What if the game was played by actual panthers and broncos. Why you shouldn’t assume a random present is yours and Four new songs from The Moist Boys; waking up next to a stranger, The Song of Porn Movies, Junk Male and Waiting for the Reply Text Song!

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UTG Podcast Episode 130: Darn Youths!

28 Jan

Stephen Hawking helps progress stem cell research in a very important way and an epic recounting of a crazy weekend with hatchets and youths.

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UTG Podcast Episode 129: Boners, Bones and Bachelors

21 Jan

What’s it like to completely shatter your ankles, how about peeing in a new direction. What about the Bachelor, the amazing TV show which is awful. Special guest Jackie helps us go there.

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UTG Podcast Episode 128: Japan’s Sleepy Colonel Sanders

14 Jan

An old man and a schoolboy become absolute enemies because of rap music and epic gastrointestinal adventures in the heart of Tokyo, Japan presentation.

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UTG Podcast Episode 127: Best of Volume 4

8 Jan

The best of volume 4 features some of the gang’s favorite picks including a children’s story about friend Lincoln on a journey to remove his genitals, Pieman, Anal Essence, using 10% of the brain and 3 original Moist Boys improv songs with a recap of the famous “Odyssey” story and the first time doing drugs together.

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UTG Podcast Episode 126: New Year’s Special with Wolfgang Puck

1 Jan

Ringing in the new year are original UTG gang members Tim, Brad and JP recorded in Billings Montana thanks to host Kelly and presented by Wolfgang Puck. What would happen if your nuts were hands? Hands were giant nuts and you were a professional boxer? So many questions answered to start the new year!

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UTG Podcast Episode 125: Santa’s Coming

24 Dec

Santa drops by with gifts for Patrick and The Moist Boys who play 3 very special Christmas songs, “Daddy’s Coming Home for Christmas”, “Santa’s Heart” and “Sloppy Seconds”. Murtrude reviews the biggest movie of the holiday season and NPR voices make the most normal things seems super interesting.

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UTG Podcast Episode 124: Slaby Horse McCallen

17 Dec

The exploding trend “hoverboards” review. A cross examination of a cardboard box containing anti-depressants. The Matrix and new advice is dolled out from new questions to the show as well as Slaby Horse McCallen, the brother of Traffic Parrot and Sam Quinten the Game Warden.

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UTG Podcast Episode 123: Video Game Awards

10 Dec

Mission Impossible face removal, a man becomes pure plasma is Die Hard and the gang goes to the 2nd annual Video Game Awards and names their own, super specific categories like “Best Game to Play When Your Mom is in the Room”.

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UTG Podcast Episode 122: Shark Shirt Cop

4 Dec

The exploration of false memories and how you were there but not really, a cop wearing a shark shirt on the beat and the guilt of stealing and the tell tale heart.

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UTG Podcast Episode 121: Operation Mighty Ducks

27 Nov

Brand new UTG album material in the works to get the episode started, Patrick gets emotional about a movie and summons Murtrude who reveals he worked along side Emilio Estevez, new 1-star review segment finds a passionate toilet paper reviewer.

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UTG Podcast Episode 120: Gotta Lotta Enemies

19 Nov

A new segment “Help Line” offers up advice, Pinocchio raises against the very man who made him, a man with a lot of enemies younger than him and Indiana Jones stands as one of the best examples of how to ruin a good name. Guest Scott joins the gang, Murtrude from Murtrude’s Movie Mreviews talks about being best friends with Steven Spielberg.

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UTG Podcast Episode 119: Daniel Craig’s Famous Spaghetti

12 Nov

A stirring podcast with the Moist Boys singing new tunes for new sponsors.  An electrifying new way to wake up in the morning, Odd News and Murtrude swings by to review the latest Bond film!

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UTG Podcast Episode 118: Oculist

5 Nov

The horrors and failings of the eye “doctor” and their unending need to prove themselves hits home. Introducing a new game submitted by friend of the show Nick called “Movie Tagline”, identifying a movie through it’s tagline. And Odd News explores the future of autonomous, friendly pet robots.

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UTG Podcast Episode 117: Spooky Sausage Blender

29 Oct

A spooky Halloween episode in which a new segment is introduced; Fun Facts, which are totally true. Lincoln reveals a spooky story from his past which has come back to haunt him and some especially spooky Odd News.

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UTG Podcast Episode 116: Baseball Garbage Island

22 Oct

An update on the rap game: still can’t understand Rich Homie Quan. A re-imagining of baseball becoming a 24-hour garbage island Spring Break destination, with Sports Tips and Tricks. A trans-dimensional artist at a cool art party describes his project spanning all times. Bonus Traffic Parrot  skit from earlier episodes

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UTG Podcast Episode 115: Sent Some Men to Mares

15 Oct

The Moist Boys in the studio with new hit songs featuring Murtrude and his rise to fame from childhood, sending men to Mars and the new People app theme song. Odd News, Sound Effects Theatre extreme fetish menu-order website and ending with a Wouldja Widget, “A human-sized bee or bee-sized human?” ends in a beautiful tale of a Bee Cinderella.

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UTG Podcast Episode 114: Best Laid Plans

8 Oct

A loopy episode with Murtrude reviewing The Martian after he pitches the concept to a movie executive. An obscure Marvel characters segment along with made up ones including Clownhouse Man and He’s Bees who somehow manage to get into a preview of the upcoming video game Rainbow 6: Siege.

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UTG Podcast Episode 113: Used to be a Man

1 Oct

A state of emergency at the In-n-Out causes a crisis hour resulting in a heist. A Moist Boys laden accompaniment of Patrick’s Musical Story time of a magical toilet. And other songs including the Matt Damon song about him always getting left behind. A new narration method for audio book actors has them making sound effects, screaming lines. 

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UTG Podcast Episode 112: Queen and Pink Visit O’Leary Island

24 Sep

Part one of The Revenge of Bauer Ryan novela. Patrick’s grizzled face is no match for people who want to chat and Starbucks is the location for this week’s Asshole of the Week. Patrick’s O’Leary island hold the resources Austin the Queen and Lincoln the Jester seek in the diplomatic segment “Patrick’s Island” and Odd News features a man’s prostetic arm being hacked to touch himself.

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UTG Podcast Episode 111: Message From

18 Sep

Description:  REDACTED

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UTG Podcast Episode 110: Best of Volume 3

10 Sep

Presenting the 3rd “Best of UTG” podcast with some of our favorite moments in the podcast. THere’s something for everyone; maybe one of you likes to hear stories of a pool filled of jello. We have that. Perhaps another one of you enjoys doctor stories and how one might be doing a heart transplant but then just decides to eat it instead. And for the rest of you there are plenty of stories of either poop or pee or both! So enjoy the UTG Podcast hand picked best of volume 3!

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UTG Podcast Episode 109: Surgical Butt Mask

3 Sep

Tune in this week to learn about the hygiene behind nude food trucks, the medical miracle of kidney-heart and Dr. Insects teaches us more than we ever wanted to know.

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UTG Podcast Episode 108: Finger Sips

27 Aug

In this special episode, Austin and Patrick hit the red carpet for Hitman Agent 47 and leave confused and not surprised.  We learn George Clooney is laughing at us, hit up some classic Moist Boys songs, and even give you the chance to pause and watch the movie with us!  Or don’t.   Don’t…

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UTG Podcast Episode 107: Crispy Man

20 Aug

A return of the newly named segment “Whitest Guy, Dankest Raps”, the mail bag is ripped right open and an important Asshole of the Week correction. Scott and Lincoln guest this episode with a few big band Moist Boys songs including “Money House” and “Crispy Man”. 

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UTG Podcast Episode 106: I’m Not a Nice Person!

13 Aug

Uber rides for two weeks straight with strange results. UTG Porn Reviews of Pay-Per-View adult films, and DMX is not a nice person, or so he claims.Finally, Lincoln graces us with a Lincoln Log.

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UTG Podcast Episode 105: Timothy Pringles’ Shingles

6 Aug

Patrick goes to Dr. Insects to have him look at sudden onset shingles but only gets bug advice. An unhelpful man with a dog is Asshole of the Week. Plot Line game makes a return and the Reverend Doctor Sassy Sparks calls in to weigh in on the autonomous robots debate. Patrick recommends the game of the week: The Swindle

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UTG Podcast Episode 104: BatNoid

30 Jul

Wowie, a new Wouldja Widget: Tony the Tiger or Dominoes Noid becomes the BatNoid villain, Future predictions on constantly stocked pantry and the man behind the milk and Odd News has a man who uses snakes as a weapon.

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UTG Podcast Episode 103: Meat Horse

24 Jul

Introducing a new segment called “Pop Culture” in which we ask super basic questions you can play along to. How would you eat a cupcake? What if it was Nikki Minaj’s butt? We watch Terminator Genysis on iMax. In 3D. From 20 feet away. Completely drunk. On sake. And Murtrude stops by to mreview.

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UTG Podcast Episode 102: Moist Music

16 Jul

Extremely musical, extremely commentary, extremely moist. This musical episode features the first batch of the UTG’s resident band, The Moist Boys as they sing and play their way through extremely inappropriate songs. Trigger warning, fellas.

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UTG Podcast Episode 101: Dungeons and Dragons Part 4

9 Jul

We find our heroes after they’ve banded the village people together to help save the local brothel, all with a song. When the Rembrants threaten to take over the brothel, the band of brothers employ the power of working girls to defend their home. Enjoy the continuing story of UTG’s Dungeons and Dragons musical adventure! Also Check out Part 1, 2 & 3 in episode 73, 75 & 94 of the UTG Podcast!

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UTG Podcast Episode 100: 100th Episode!!!

3 Jul

100 episode 2 hour special featuring every single thing ever to appear in a UTG Podcast episode with tons of new music, special character guests, segment favorites, brand new bits with listener call ins! 100 episodes!

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UTG Podcast Episode 099: Meddling Bureaucracy

25 Jun

The last movie ever rented from Blockbuster, Seinfeld explains how doors work and another Blue Laws segment featuring Billy the Cop, roadkill banquette, and fish lassoing. Finally, a man gold plating his genitals.

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UTG Podcast Episode 098: Summer of UTG

18 Jun

The Summer of UTG starts now, tell a friend! Odd news merges with Mailbag with White is the new Black and the gang plays the classic game Baulderdash. Murtrude drops by with his Idea Bag and reviews Jurassic World.

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UTG Podcast Episode 097: Futile Noodle

11 Jun

A future forward episode features and 20 year future Wouldja Widget, our resident genius reviews the new Apple Watch with zero knowledge and finally a special treat at the end with Mutrude (after Lincoln falls asleep and Patrick loses it)

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UTG Podcast Episode 096: Moose on a Plane

4 Jun

A special edition animals version of a new Wouldja Widget, the bizarre Bozeman police reports gets dissected and the wonderful world of non-blue laws by state is explored.

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UTG Podcast Episode 095: Always Press Record

28 May

A very hard lesson is learned about checking if the record button is actually pressed, which announces the Asshole of the Week with the dispute being cleared up in “Order In The Court”. “Fill Tim’s Hole” limericks segment and Breaking news from our Eye-in-the-Sky, reporting on mid-day pants pooping at work.

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UTG Podcast Episode 094: Dungeons and Dragons Part 3

21 May

The saga continues with part three of Dungeons and Dragons!  Our adventurers get a touch of the ‘crazies’ in their quest to unite a town by saving a brothel!

Check out Part 1 and 2 in episode 73 and 75 of the UTG Podcast!

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UTG Podcast Episode 093: Seaweed and Champagne

14 May

Bruce Jenner makes it onto the new Wheaties box, a new segment “School Boy Confessions”  reveal a lifetime of sins and Lincoln goes to the movies with non-traditional snacks. A new D&D teaser to finish out the episode.

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UTG Podcast Episode 092: Manny Pacquimeow

7 May

The biggest fight of the century and Kentucky Derby are modern day Death Races, Traffic Parrot makes a triumphant return with a new cast of accents and a dark secret and wouldn’t you know it, Lincoln drank some urine.

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UTG Podcast Episode 091: Sofia Vergara is Bagpack

1 May

Elevators are death traps, the gang plays the classic game ‘Two Truths and a Lie’ Murtrude’s Summer Blockbusters Prevmiews including Avengers: Age of Mutron and Operation Dumbo Drop

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UTG Podcast Episode 090: Mystery Skit

23 Apr

A mega secret skit has it’s mysteries revealed! Coachella provides plenty of under-butt as well as the the A-hole of the week and the Bozeman Police reports prove even a small town has it’s own set of problems

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UTG Podcast Episode 089: Best Of Numba Two

16 Apr

A best of bonanza with some favorite, hand-picked segments including “Baulderdick”, “Order in the Court!” where you must defend your stance on self-castration “Being Super Tiny” and a few more pretty good ones.

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UTG Podcast Episode 088: Murtrude and the Moist Boys

9 Apr

Musical special guest The Moist Boys team up with Murtrude for his famous re-imagining of his theme song. The gang heads to Vegas to not get hand jobs and Lincoln tells a musical story about urinating on a foreign exchange student.

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UTG Podcast Episode 087: Crisis Mode

2 Apr

What would you do in a moment of crisis? Introducing Crisis Hour. Another round of the Movie Plot game, guess the movie from a vaguely written synopsis. Finally, there’s a giant fake, flaccid penis is present for the entire episode!

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UTG Podcast Episode 086: A Chicken Issue

26 Mar

A great round of the new Movie Quotes Game, UTG news from a small town with a LOT of problems, a man with painted on hair is the Asshole of the Week and Fast and Furious is up for an Oscar. Stick around for a bonus treat along with Notahallatall submissions.

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UTG Podcast Episode 085: Spinning Plates

19 Mar

A poker game celebration brings out frustrations and hatred, Austin heads to Koreatown and the gang recounts the strangest food memories. Musical Story Time with Lincoln finds him trying to spin plates in this episode of the UTG Podcast.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 084: Nutrition for Women

12 Mar

Introducing a new game called Movie Plot. A fresh, user-submitted Wouldja Widget. The history of a Thinking Man’s Joke. The mail bag gets opened up and we announce the winnder of the Notahallatall Twitter contest and the gang tries to escape zombies in LA.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 083: Richard Notahallatall

6 Mar

Come on down to Richard Notahallatall’s Emporium! Fans call in to the show with some questions, the science behind dildo factories, asshole of the week and Lincoln serenades with a childhood joke involving corndogs.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 082: Crescenda Freezes the Fat

26 Feb

The Gang hits the slopes with Morgan Freeman, on the photoshoot set for Freeze the Fat billboard ads with model Crescenda, pure In-n-Out rage and Murtrude of Murtrude’s Movie Mreviews reviews a movie definitely not in theaters.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 081: Harmony

19 Feb

A very musical episode of the podcast features slick tunes from golden pipes. We play the game “WouldjaWidget” about being a rat, the Bachelor is TV’s greatest show and Patrick heads to jury duty with a friend.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 080: 50 Shades of Murtrude

12 Feb

It’s Valentine’s Day weekend, time to get sexy with the UTG. Murtrude reviews the very erotic “50 Shades of Grey” with some intimate songs to get down to. This week in Television, The Walking Dead goes dickless and a kid gets slapped at a BBQ. Lincoln announces the asshole of the week and it’s a surprise who it is.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 079: Hey, Samantha

5 Feb

The chronology of the classic 90’s phrase “not!”. A bity Thinking Man’s Joke with guest Lincoln, Austin has the loneliness night in New York. Patrick administers his own version of the Turing test and decide if anyone is a robto in the newest segment, Interesting as F&#k.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 078: Holy Bidet

29 Jan

Have you ever used a bidet? Like really used one? Neither did we but we tried them out and the results are in! The Gang Announces one of the biggest Asshole of the Week. We announce the winners of this year’s Super Bowl. Austin chooses Patriots, Patrick Seahawks. Football. Round it out with some nice Crappy Baby Abs.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 077: Moldy and Mildew, Inc

23 Jan

This episode finds UTG recounting childhood stories such as “Piss in Boots”, “Piss on Grey” and “Popsicles”, announce Asshole of the Week, Wouldja Widget (a would-you-rather game you try to win) and a Thinking Man’s Joke.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 076: Schindler Goes to Mars

15 Jan

What happens when you try to do an outro to a previously recorded podcast but you’re high and can’t control. Here, we’ll show you. And Oscar season is here, Mutrude’s Movie Mreviews covers all of this year’s contenders, Patrick walks out of his first movie with Taken 3 and Schindler’s List gets a franchise and takes off to space.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 075: Dungeons and Dragons Part 2

8 Jan

The saga continues with part two of Dungeons and Dragons! We last left our heroes about to embark on the goblin cave where a penis-eating goblin has scurried off to. They must set aside their differences in order to rescue their leader, Quantanamo! With musical accompaniment and hilarious scenarios, it’s fun for fans. 

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 074: Hat and Barrel 2015

1 Jan

Start off with a little Name Game. If Patrick and Austin had brain damage and could only say “hat!” and “barrel!” and had their own radio show. We finish it out with a little New Year’s resolution advice; don’t get stuck in the trap of actually acting like you’ll do something. But something you can do:

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 073: Dungeons and Dragons Part 1

25 Dec

The gang plays their first game of Dungeons and Dragons in this UTG New Years special!  Action, adventure, song and laughter await in part one of the UTG Dungeons and Dragons Saga!

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 072: Peer Pressure

19 Dec

This week the discovery that peer pressure is adult bullying, a new intro on the classic game “Wouldja Widget”. The gang also introduces their first podcast cross promotion with Paint It Black Podcast and UTG rolls out some promos for their own podcast in a montage introduced by sound editor Tungsten. Also, porn-on-a-stick story is exactly what it sounds like.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 071: Collage of Vaginas

11 Dec

This week features the famous Wouldja Widget game (Would-You-Rather you try to win), a preview of the upcoming UTG Dungeons and Dragons holiday special, discussion of being villainous if you’re ugly and two stories; one nice, one not nice and one involves loads of porn.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 070: Traffic Parrot

4 Dec

This week’s episode has a fresh Thinking Man’s Joke, we announce the A$$hole of the week. Patrick has the perfect solution for adult billboards. A brief history of the Urban Toledo Gang (or how I learned to stop worrying and sound like an idiot). And voice-over actor, Traffic Parrot McCallen visits the studio to record narration for a new family movie while working out his daddy issues.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 069: Daddy’s Gotta Go to Work

27 Nov

This week the gang introduces The Rock and Adrien Brody star in the movie “Daddy’s Gotta Go to Work 2: Re-armed” in a script by Patrick and Austin. No Lincoln this week but there’s a tribute to the little rascal. The Gang talks Los Angeles billboards and rich guy watches, Danny Glover tries to wash his face with super cold soapy water at a cafe. Mathew McConaughey Lincoln commercial who becomes the bad guy in “Daddy’s Gotta Go to Work 3: Arm-ageddon”.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 068: Pathetic Kramer

21 Nov

This week on the UTG podcast, New York archetypes come to life, asshole of the week declared. The gang uses the power of their experience and tells you guys how to be successful while simultaneously pissing off the older generation.Guest-never-host Lincoln tells a live musical story about something very, very personal.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 067: Sentimental

13 Nov

Somewhat of a UTG treasure with the beta podcast #5 featuring is the very first musical appearance by The Moist Boys back in the beginning of 2012. With special Guest Scott Cassidy on the show we cover such topics as how babies are the crappier versions of adults, airport stress and, get this, three songs by The Moist Boys including “Accurate Ejaculate”, “Sentimental Song”. Plenty of laughs from this blast from the past!

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday!

UTG Podcast Episode 066: Yellspering

6 Nov

This episode unveils the Diet Coke conspiracy, the room at every work every which goes unmentioned, becoming an Audible narrator and Keanu Reeves has become the ultimate badass a sequel to John Wick in Murtrude’s Movie Mreview. Be sure to subscribe to the UTG podcast on iTunes!

UTG Podcast Episode 065: Whoa. Spooky

30 Oct

The spookiest episode yet! UTG Podcast hosts Patrick and Austin tell scary stories, relive childhood nightmares and talk about the freakiest movies and games. Enjoy this week’s Urban Toledo Gang podcast  on iTunes and Stitcher Radio by subscribing and receiving new episodes each and every Friday. | http://bit.ly/1olnuN6

UTG Podcast Episode 064: A Stiff One

23 Oct

The brain busting Thinking Man’s Joke, Superman is the worst super hero in the most expensive comic as a part of this week’s Odd News. Thanks to our sponsor Sphincter Ring for supporting the show. For one small, tiny segment, Lincoln attempts to host. The podcast tops off with Murtrude’s Movie Mreview of “Interstellar”. Be sure to subscribe to the UTG on iTunes and YouTube for weekly podcasts and videos!

UTG Podcast Episode 063: Pumpin’ Yolks

16 Oct

UTG heads to IndieCade with YouTube character SlyBoy87787 and awkwardly interviews game developers, video game enthusiasts and new friends and Patrick and Austin breakdown the funniest moments on the upcoming video. They also open up the mail bag and refuse to stand corrected on some zoology claims made in an earlier episode “Peacock Conundrum”. Check out this and every episode of the UTG podcast weekly on iTunes and Stitcher Radio!

UTG Podcast Episode 062: Whisker’s Whiskies

9 Oct

A special treat in the form of a mish-mash of the previous 5 episodes, all in a digestible, bite-sized hilarious recap. Austin and Patrick introduce Whiskey expert Whiskers showing one how to fully enjoy a rare Japanese whiskey and how not treat other races. Special guest Lincoln gives every reason to not be the host and Transformer’s: Age of Extinction climbs the charts of the worst movie of the year. Check out this and every episode of the UTG podcast weekly on iTunes and Stitcher Radio!

UTG Podcast Episode 061: Link’s Zings

2 Oct

The Gang heads to the LA County Fair and eats terrible, disgusting food, male gigolo, The new “Make That Ass Clap” Podcast, a complete breakdown of Fast and Furious 6. And Lincoln intros his new book of zingers, Great Zingers for Almost Every Situation | Check us out on iTunes and Stitcher Radio. Give us a rating and gain our friendship

UTG Podcast Episode 060: Make That A$$ Clap

25 Sep

This week Lincoln guests as the gang intros a new segment “Musical Story Time”, they talk massages and the UTG Podcast gets a new, gender specific sponsor “Tamp-off”. Check out the UTG Podcast on iTunes and Stitcher Radio! New episode every Friday!

UTG Podcast Episode 059: Daherewego

18 Sep

 The gang heads to the Oddball Comedy Fest with Aziz Ansari, Louis CK, Dave Chapelle, Bill Burr and discover the Asshole of the Week. Patrick and Austin cover a plothole-riddled movie starring the late and great Paul Walker. Check out the UTG Podcast on iTunes and Stitcher Radio! New episode every Friday!

UTG Podcast Episode 058: Lobster King

11 Sep

This week we have the fresh-faced Jackie sitting in as guest, we open the letter bag from our website. There’s Odd News, a man with a bag for a face, WudjaWidget and more in this fun episode of the UTG Podcast! Check out the new, completely live Urban Toledo Gang podcast on iTunes and Stitcher Radio! |http://bit.ly/1oLivBb

UTG Podcast Episode 057: The Fappening

4 Sep

It turns out indoor skydiving is the biggest scam, perma-guest Lincoln has a relapse and tries to write down his thoughts as they “fly towards him”, Murtrude reviews Guardians of the Galaxy and Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton star in “The Fappening”. Check out the new, completely live Urban Toledo Gang podcast on iTunes and Stitcher Radio! |http://bit.ly/1oLivBb

UTG Podcast Episode 056: Notebook Dump

28 Aug

All of the little ideas, snippets and one-offs dumped out on the podcast. Too small for a segment, too big to ignore. The gang makes up their own click bait ads and announce the asshole of the week. Check us out on Stitcher Radio and iTunes!

UTG Podcast Episode 055: The Odyssey

21 Aug

In this very special podcast, the gang recounts a harrowing evening of adventure and peril in “The Odyssey”.  


UTG Podcast Episode 054: Tampon Parade | Beta 3

15 Aug

A triple whammy with the Sound Effect Theatre. Patrick is MIA this week so Austin introduces a forgotten beta podcast episode in which perma-guest Lincoln helps drum up some ridiculous scenarios, lots of laughs, jokes and Odd News (think tampons-type news). Please enjoy this week’s podcast on Stitcher Radio and take the Gang with you where ever you go! | http://bit.ly/1olnuN6

UTG Podcast Episode 053: Call an Ambulance!

7 Aug

Patrick and Austin have perma-guest Lincoln back on the show; Patrick gives a stranger $100 on accident, Austin gets a “green” card, Lincoln consoles an drunk neighbor. A grand finish with another “Sound Effects Theater” has a couple going to the fair; hint, one of them dies. Be sure to check us out on Stitcher Radio and give us a rating!  http://bit.ly/1olnuN6

UTG Podcast Episode 052: Mexican Wave

31 Jul

Patrick and Austin blast off into space with the Mexican wave. UTG’s Odd News makes a come back, Patrick can’t get over that there are no motes in this world, and Koreans need robot fans in order to feel good about themselves. Check us out on Stitcher Radio! http://bit.ly/1olnuN6

UTG Podcast Episode 051: Make Your Nut

24 Jul

This week is an exploration of what you can do when using 100% of your brain when talking about upcoming movie “Lucy”. Patrick is forced to choose between being pregnant or hatching an egg in this week’s Wouldja Widget. Austin challenges experts in their field; attacking a dojo master, swiping the ball from a basketball player and talking to strangers. New changes coming to the podcast and a little talk about that! Follow our podcast on Stitcher Radio | http://bit.ly/1olnuN6

UTG Podcast Episode 050: Special 50th Episode

17 Jul

After 50 episodes, the gang has come up with quite a few characters, had guests on the show as well as musical guests and are still having a great time. It’s all here in one extended length episode; hear the Moist Boys singing improv songs, listen to hilarious stories from everyone, as well as characters like Murtrude! Thanks for joining us and check us out on Stitcher and give a review! http://bit.ly/1rlZ1d8

UTG Podcast Episode 049: Topless Maids

10 Jul

Your dreams of having a topless maid scrubbing away your toilet is a reality with a new erotic service in Los Angeles. Hosts Austin and Patrick introduce a brand new game called “Crazy Movie Plot” and explore the not-so-subtle oddities of Japan and it’s culture. Check out the UTG on Stitcher Radio, please rate and comment! bit.ly/1kJmYDx

UTG Podcast Episode 048: 1-800-HOT-BUN

4 Jul

When you were a child, chances are you did some weird stuff you look back on and regretsies hard on. Patrick, Austin and guest Lincoln recant embarrassing stories of childhood. They cover the latest in Fleshlight technology and play the Wouldja Widget game with the choice Death Race or Death Battle. http://bit.ly/1s7w1Ty


UTG Podcast Episode 047: Sound Effects Theatre

27 Jun

The second beta podcast we ever did, back at the end of 2011

An ancient beta podcast sees the light of day with special perma-guest Lincoln. There is plenty of the humor you’ve come to…know. As well as the first “Odd News”, “Sound Effects Theatre” and a character we don’t understand why he didn’t continue on; Asshole Sniffer.
Please enjoy and share this week’s podcast!

Subscribe to these idiots for weekly chuckles and insanity.

UTG Podcast Episode 046: Peacock Conundrum

19 Jun

We uncover the hidden truths behind peacocks, hairstyle etiquette and fecal coffee with ‘perma-guest, never-host’ Lincoln!  Also tales of the LAPD, E3, and Mr.T!  Chat us up on Twitter @urbantoledogang and subscribe on iTunes. 

UTG Podcast Episode 045: Sandwich Transplant

12 Jun

Have you guys ever wanted to know about what would happen if a doctor made a sandwich transplant where his heart was? Or maybe how cavemen had it waaaay better than us now? You can hear about this and another story of strange people feeling OK to talk to Austin, this time a woman who “took too much of something”. Chat us up on Twitter @urbantoledogang and subscribe on iTunes. Enjoy!

UTG Podcast Episode 044: Singularity Man

5 Jun

This week Patrick and Austin talk about the next great super heroes Pieman and Black Hole. Also the new product “Anal Essence”, Nicolas Cage’s acting skills and much, much more! This episode is brought to you by Audible. Go to AudibleTrial.com/UTG for your free 30-day free trial. Subscribe on iTunes for new episodes every Friday!

UTG Podcast Episode 043: Bald Hair Tasty

29 May

The return of the UTG Snack Reviews! This time they go south of the boarder with Latin correspondent who brought back some of the weirdest snacks with very detailed descriptions of how they make them feel. The gang also relives some horribly embarrassing childhood stories. Thank you Goguler for the first song (http://bit.ly/1lHGGiM). New podcast every Friday on iTunes!

UTG Podcast Episode 042: LSD

23 May

This episode is all about all of our social disorders or “Lincoln’s Social Disorder” (aka LSD). Lincoln can’t talk at parties, Austin can’t talk to neighbors and Patrick and talk to strangers. There’s magical stories and music from Goguler (http://bit.ly/1lHGGiM). New podcast every Friday on iTunes!

UTG Podcast Episode 041: Air Turtle

16 May

Austin and Patrick have a great idea for a movie: Air Turtle, about a man who uses drones as Iron Man-like floatation tools. The UTG Gang plays Wudjawidget using Twist Tween Magazine’s would-you-rather and guest Lincoln tells some more great stories. Breakdown of awesome 80’s film Running Man. Laughs can be had in the 41st episode of the Urban Toledo Gang Podcast.

UTG Podcast Episode 040: Barrels!

9 May

Patrick has always had a bizarre mental problem where he calls things he can’t remember the names for “barrels”. Austin buys an issue of “Twist” magazine; a tween publication with hilarious tips for kissing and tween life, whatever that is. This episode is a great look at a typical conversation when hanging out with the UTG. Enjoy and share!

UTG Podcast Episode 039: Understudy for Justice

2 May

This week Patrick and Austin welcome special never-host Lincoln back from his duty as a juror in an LA case, The guys play the popular Balder Dash game (redubbed “Balder Dick” for the UTG audience) and the importance of unlocking life’s small achievements that are awesome enough to get excited, not exciting enough to share. Subscribe and rate on iTunes if ya would, please!

UTG Podcast Episode 038: #trickyourdump

25 Apr

We open up the mail bag and play Wudja Widjit from a listener’s suggestion on Twitter, in which we choose from surviving a huge earthquake or surviving the Walking Dead. We start the newest segment called “People” which is about weird people, which is redundant and why it’s just “People”. Bathroom tips and tricks from the big man himself: Patrick and his #trickyourdump lifehack. Be sure to follow and tweet us and get your name on the show!

UTG Podcast Episode 037: Gold Bomb

18 Apr

This week we have never-host guest Lincoln. Austin shares his Coachella weekend 1 experience with dinosaurs, we cover male hygiene and a fair amount of poop talk and end it all playing the new “Court Ruling” game in order to see who is right and who is dead in the Odd News headline. Be sure to subscribe!

UTG Podcast Episode 036: Butt Cleavage

11 Apr

Austin heads to Coachella week one and lays out some predictions and tips to ensure you have a great time full of butt cleavage. More movie mania with Adam Sandler and Godzilla and all of the awkward times when boobs made an appearance during movie time with parents.

UTG Podcast Episode 035: April Stools

4 Apr

The gang promotes “April Fools Week” and introduces a (another) new fad diet. The gang finds great humor in the new Need for Speed which Murtrude does a mini review for. They get into nitty gritty baby talk and set up some future guest including “Dad Talk” with Chris. Subscribe so you’re ready!

UTG Podcast Episode 034: Shrimp Boy

28 Mar

What would you do with $1 Billion USD guaranteed harder than you think. This episode (#34) is all about mystery, scandal and the infamous Shrimp Boy. Be sure to support Adam Corolla’s “Save Our Podcast” campaign which affects everyone, even us: www.fundanything.com/patenttroll

UTG Podcast Episode 033: Silent Piano Man

21 Mar

This week Patrick and Austin start out with the Wouldyouwidget game, ‘Would You Rather’ but with a twist, Austin gets a piano for his birthday and plays some “great” songs and Patrick gives future predictions…again.

UTG Podcast Episode 032: Hamster Dash

14 Mar

Lincoln, the special guest, never-host, drops by to play some classic “Name Game”, a game you can play with your friends, Patrick busts out some future predictions including tiny people playing the new national sport Hamster Dash and we wrap it up with a new segment about facts that you might not know but if you do, that’s OK. Please subscribe on iTunes and check out or sponsor by going to Audibletrial.com/UTG to get your free 30-trail!

UTG Podcast Episode 031: Weird Week

7 Mar

The UTG starts out with the classic game “This or That” with the follow up game “Care to Explain?”. Patrick explains one of the weirdest weeks of his life this week, Matt Damon shows up and a weekend in Joshua Tree proves that nothing but insane people live in the dessert. Tell a friend who will tell a friend about the podcast!

UTG Podcast Episode 030: Best Of Volume 1

28 Feb

As a sign of appreciation for our fans, the UTG brings you the first volume of the podcast’s “Best of” collection. Hand picked fan favorites with an intro from the Gang. The Name Game, Dog Sh!t, Celebrity Gossip, Mutrude’s Movie Mreviews, The Outdoor Bathroom and more! Be sure to subscribe for a new episode each Friday and check out our UStream channel on Tuesdays, http://goo.gl/5bkXZv

UTG Podcast Episode 029: World’s Problems Solved

21 Feb

In this not-safe-for-school edition of world, driving and kid advice on the UTG podcast, Patrick and Austin dish out advice, recant ridiculous traffic-related insane people and Patrick’s plan for world domination. Be sure to subscribe, rate and tell a friend! New podcast every Friday!

UTG Podcast Episode 028: Valentine’s Myths

14 Feb

Even know it’s Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with two other dudes talking about dress-by-mail, shopping carts and the age old Valentine’s story of Batman and the Joker. It’s just as inappropriate as always. Subscribe and be sure to check out our UStream on Tuesdays at 10 PST!

UTG Podcast Episode 027: Jitterbug

7 Feb

Patrick calls in from the road out in San Francisco while Austin holds down in LA and fields calls from Mrs. Grandma, practical cars versus pain-in-the-ass cars, the real fairy tales and funny stories of the good old days of Catholic school. Be sure to subscribe for more, mates!

UTG Podcast Episode 026: Snap Your Bagels

31 Jan

This week we are in full podcast mode with some funny stories about telling jokes that fall flat at work, video game nerds, new neighbors, new people to make feel awkward as well as our new uStream show on Tuesdays at 10 Pacific time. Be sure to write in and get in our listener mail bag

UTG Podcast Episode 025: I’m an Adult!

24 Jan

Patrick cracks some solo jokes until Austin shows up on the scene and the super late night UTG podcast episode goes down some strange avenues including the Terminator timeline, depantsing and the top five reasons how we know we’re adults.. This episode captures the UTG tired homro at its finest.

UTG Podcast Episode 024: TV Special

17 Jan

Seen The Bachelor? No? Good call. We’ll watch it for you and tell you all of hilarious stuff you need to know. And there’s a new game in the mix called “This or That” and “Care to Explain That?”. Feelin’ pretty good about this week’s episodes, guys.

UTG Podcast Episode 023: Widdershins

10 Jan

The UTG Podcast is back in LA again after a Montana vacation and there are stories to tell. Vegas trip with large, unpleasant people, why audio people are horrible people and we play a game you can play along with in your car; Baulderdick!

UTG Podcast Episode 022: New Year Special!

3 Jan

The UTG crew starts off the new year on the road with a live show featuring original UTG members Tim and JP telling some hilarious, classic stories, how the 2014 fight broke out and left Austin in shreds, the world’s tallest DJ and more. The special also includes musical guest The Moist Boys performing “Good Life”, “First Time Love” & “Skates”. Subscribe on iTunes and check out our YouTube page for new videos! Happy new year!

UTG Podcast Episode 021: Ghosts of New Year’s Past

27 Dec

The second beta podcast recorded back in 2011 is a hilarious, ridiculous episode with two special guests, the Goldens, with an awesome intro by Brian! There’s a scenario which finds Lincoln in a “sticky” situation, Patrick gets a ticket and plenty more “nut” talk. Happy 2013 everyone!

UTG Podcast Episode 020: Holiday Treat

20 Dec

The holidays are here and we have a present for you guys! Before we start recording, there is a little bit of down time where we shoot the breeze. A lot of it is good, and we like it, but it doesn’t make the cut for time. Well now you can hear all of the funny bloopers in the first part of the UTG bloopers and gag reel. Lincoln guests on this episode and it’s a fun time the whole time. Subscribe and tell a friend, even if you don’t like them, about the UTG podcast!

UTG Podcast Episode 019: Candid Selfies

13 Dec

Use #candidselfies when you take a picture of yourself when it looks like you’re not looking and be sure to tag us! Murtrude drops by and reviews The Hunger Games: Catch a Fire, there’s a rant about the crappy “Call of Duty” generation and a very odd and funny retelling of a computer-riddled future.

UTG Podcast Episode 018: Shart Week

6 Dec

A new multicultural guest on the show! Jackie stops by and we play the new “Name Game” which we hope will catch on at parties. We also tell of the adventure of a baby shower and how you can still manage to crash one and bring up some childhood memories and all of our odd, neurotic child brains and behaviors.
Please be sure to share with your friends and subscribe on YouTube and iTunes!

UTG Podcast Episode 017: Thanksgiving’s Real Origin

29 Nov

So pretty much everything you were ever taught about Thanks giving is a big, fat lie. It’s actually about Turkey People and 90’s ravers which started the whole thing…we’ll explain. Patrick and Austin talk about Doritos commercial challenge and freebie jobs and dip into the reader mail and Murtrude answers questions about stuntmen in Hollywood and the Oscars! Happy Thanksgiving from the UTG gang!

UTG Podcast Episode 016: Air Travel Celebrity

22 Nov

UTG gang gives some “best tips” for traveling by air. We have been on a lot of airplanes and these tips may actually save your sanity. Celebrities are big in LA so we’re introducing Bethafuerte and Amandacorn as our new “celebrity gossip” correspondents in the new UTG segment “Tinsel Treats”

UTG Podcast Episode 015: Thor, Sports and Insects!

15 Nov

UTG goes above and beyond with their sports tips and tricks, Murtrue tries his damnedest to review the new Thor movie and Dr. Insects goes into hilarious detail about how to use insects to pick up chicks.

UTG Podcast Episode 014: Chili Pops!

8 Nov

Special guest Lincoln tells his famous “Thinking Man’s Joke” and the gang dips into the world of very strange food reviews with some of the grossest snacks they could find. Special thanks to The Betternauts for their “Cantina” remix featured in the show.
Be sure to subscribe to UTG on iTunes and YouTube!

UTG Podcast Episode 013: The Spooky Halloween!

31 Oct

A very spooky UTG episode this week. The gang reads fan-made trailer scripts to dramitic music, Murtrude intrudes to review the spooky “Carrie” movie and Patrick’s coffee in LA rant and how when you run out of things to chit-chat about on your everyday coffee purchase, you should just assume not go back.

UTG Podcast Episode 012: Dog Company

25 Oct

This week the UTG has two guests; Sean who is into online dating and Lincoln who will never be a host (hint: he falls asleep). We cover “dog company” Tinder, OK Cupid, chats with strangers. This is a fun one so be sure to subscribe!

UTG Podcast Episode 011: No Muss, No Fuss

18 Oct

Patrick and Austin tell you exactly how you should live your life, create a new character who reviews movies and another who will answer any question you have about bugs; it’s Doctor Insects! Be sure to subscribe to the UTG on YouTube and iTunes and tell your friends!

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 010: IndieCade!

11 Oct

Patrick and Austin of the UTG bring up the issue of adults and cereal, talking to a girl and failing horribly three times and talk about UTG’s own SlyBoy as he attends IndieCade, an indie video game festival that is so awkward, you have to hear the clips we play and comment on.

UTG Podcast Episode 009: La Phil

3 Oct

This week we talk about music concerts and arguments we’ve had, the orchestra and the worst seat in the house. There’s some poop talk; ok, a lot of poop talk, but it’s all in good fun. We finish off by telling you about the best standing bad-movies series: Fast and Furious. Come along, it’s the UTG podcast!

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 008: Eulogy

26 Sep

The UTG crew breaks down why LA is probably the craziest place in the US with stories ranging from the infamous “Stink Hammer”, “F**king Pinche”, “Money Shots”. We also say goodbye to our podcast editor Brian as he packs up from LA and leaves for greener pastures. In Montana. Like literally pastures.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 007: Homeward Bound 2: Dog Sh!t

20 Sep

This week we talk about the eagerly awaited Grand Theft Auto V and come up woth the concept to our own game which is a dog sh*tting simulator; Homeward Bound 2: Dog Sh!t. We bring back the Wudyouwidget. We also talk about dog sh*t a lot too.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 006: Space Dementia

13 Sep

Special musical guest The Moist Boys play some of their best improv records to date, we talk about the awful state of space dementia. We also answer all the questions about chest shaving, fashion and more on this week’s episode of the UTG Podcast!

UTG Podcast Episode 005: Squirrelmen

6 Sep

Fresh topic of gas pumps, fat people and Squirrelmen along with the resurrection of “Odd News” and a new segment called “Wouldjawidget” which is like “Would You Rather” you try to win.

UTG Podcast Episode 004: Couch

30 Aug

We touch a lot of interesting subjects this time with special guest Lincoln; an encounter with a strange woman on Craig’s List, New York ads, peeing and driving and catheters . Enjoy

UTG Podcast Episode 003: Thinking Man’s Joke

22 Aug

This week the UTG introduces the FIRST EVER podcast, when it was just a week beta, years ago. Lincoln is our first guest and he delivers a most epic “thinking man’s joke” that is worth listening to the very end. So please enjoy this week’s time capsule on the Urban Toledo Gang Podcast: Episode 003.

UTG Podcast Episode 002: Future Predictions

16 Aug

Fly into the future as Patrick breaks down the next century. There’s full on, real sports talk for nerds and even the newest sex moves you won’t hesitate to try out in the bedroom. All and more this week on the UTG Podcast!

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

UTG Podcast Episode 001: These Rice

8 Aug

 Join the Urban Toledo Gang’s Austin and Patrick as they tell some of the oddest and funniest stories of their life. Coming from Montana has given them an insight into how bizarre and funny the world can be.

Subscribe on iTunes for a new podcast episode every Friday! http://bit.ly/1ArqVZs

Erikats – A Hollywood Treasure

13 Sep

Throughout the years, Erikats have made us laugh, cry, cheer and cry. Come along and sample the savory canon of Erikat’s career!


Reader Mail!

4 Jul

It’s that time again, folks, where we answer your letters!

Dear UTG,

I enjoy your piece of work, regards for all the useful articles.

-Seo Companies In Brighton

Well, SCIB, I’m glad you like our work and find our articles useful. We may not put out much, but I’d like to think that the UTG is about Quality over Quantity!


Dear UTG,

Popcorn is low in calories, but rich in fibre. You will be amazed at how filling it can be. However, eating buttered popcorn will not have the same results as eating plain popcorn.
Almonds and Walnuts
Almonds and walnuts are great for the health and will keep you bubbling with energy for much longer than other foods. They provide you with the needed fat, protein, minerals and micronutrients that are need to help you burn calories and stay fit.
Low-Fat Dairy Products
Consuming foods rich in calcium will help prevent the release of calcitrol in the body, which is a hormone that stimulates the storage of fat. Go in for dairy products, but choose the products that are low in fat, such as low fat cheese and skimmed milk. Apart from adding to your reserves of calcium, it will also help you burn fat.
Fatty Fish
The omega-3 fatty acids that are present in fatty fish actually helps boost the metabolism rate and reduce cholesterol. Since fish is also a rich source of protein, it can be beneficial further in breaking down fat cells.
Our products are not destined to treat or cure any disorders. The contents of our [ED: Link Redacted] are intended for informative purposes only. All the above mentioned details are knowledgeable information. These are simple advices and personal opinion and are not medical advices or care methods. The reader is requested to consult a professional to relate to his condition before the usage.


Dear PJT-

You are correct, and that is why we here at UTG only eat nuts and low-fat dairy. I’ve heard about these fatty acids and I know that a lot of doctors say they are good for me, but unfortunately we here at UTG have a strict no fatty rule. Thanks for reading!

Gettin’ hungry up in hurrrrrr,

Dear UTG,

Hands down, Apple’s app store wins by a mile. It’s a huge selection of all sorts of apps vs a rather sad selection of a handful for Zune. Microsoft has plans, especially in the realm of games, but I’m not sure I’d want to bet on the future if this aspect is important to you. The iPod is a much better choice in that case.

I Like Apple,
pokerstars first deposit bonus


You may be correct, but have you considered using the Creative Zen? It’s the shit!



Hello intelligent points [RE: Subject: FWD: 1. New Rules for Urban Toledo Gang E-Mail Correspondence]. Why didn’t i consider those? Off topic a little, is this web page pattern from an bizarre config or do you use a customized template.

-financial advisor


I don’t know why you didn’t consider these points before. The rules about genital pictures are probably the most important. As for site design, it’s a little of this and a little of that. I’m sure with some practice, even someone who is a Financial Advisor would be able to create a site like this one.


Dear UTG,
What a rubbish. How can you call it a website. Change the style, so it will be a bit more interesting

Wholesale essential oils

Dear WEO,

We can’t please everyone it seems. You must be a professional web designer, and I would not be surprised if this is why you are so hard to impress. I’ll bet you can’t pick out good stocks and bonds to save your life, tho! I think we all play to our strengths, and obviously ours is content, not design.

Thanks for writing, even to criticize!

Dear UTG,

Hey everybody!

I’m planning a vacation to Israel this summer so i wanted to ask what is the scene like with regards to escort service in Israel? I’ve go through many posts from all over the web but i could not obtain a lot of information on the topic. Anyways, are there any strip clubs? are there any escort girls in Israel whatsoever? any suggestions how to locate escort service in Israel?

I’ve stumbled upon this escort angecy that provide [Escort Service In Israel] [ed: Link Redacted], but I dont know if the photos are authentic? what’s your opinion, any advice?


Dear R-
We here at UTG don’t have a lot of experience with escort services. We are nearly always knee-deep in pussy and the thought adding to that wet lake is not exactly our idea of a good time. that said, those pictures look pretty authentic. We’d hit that.


Author’s Forward to The Great American Thread War, Vol. 1: The Opening Volley through the Ten Troll Years (2019-2047)

19 Dec

Countless lives were lost, and one would be hard pressed to find a soul not touched by the Great American Thread War, yet until now there has been very little said on the subject. In writing this book, The Great American Thread War, Vol. 1: The Opening Volley through the Ten Troll Years (2019-2047), I hope to finally chronicle the first years of the struggle. Today, the War (as it is most often known, and so I refer to it in this volume for the sake of brevity) is still fresh in our minds. The brave young men and women who were fighting in Europe, Russia, Mars, and yes even our homeland of North America, and were lucky enough to escape the fates of many of their fallen comrades have only recently returned.

Were it possible, I would love to tell the entire history of the War now, but there is simply too much to do so in one volume. While this first volume is being published now, I have plans for eleven volumes to follow. I hope to also release a thirteenth volume containing the entire text of the Thread to End All Threads with commentary, but until I am able to do, this first volume will have to do. In it, I attempt to explain not only the meaning behind the Thread but also the cultural context from which it sprung. The contemporary reader may find it difficult to understand exactly how the War began without knowing what sort of underlying forces were at play in those times.

As such, I begin with what is now widely considered to be the true start of the battle, at Post #12. The First Eleven posts are covered within this first section as well, but mainly to give context to why User MasterHalo69 first declared User BasketballGRRL a “fagot nazi fag”. While the Fagot Nazi Fags were a major player in the War, it was not until 2132 that they were able to conquer the moon and bring prominence to their cause, and as such I do not cover the sect beyond its very beginning. This will be a subject of one of the later volumes I previously mentioned.

It is my intention to be as factual as possible, but much of the Ten Troll Years is lost to history, beyond what we see in the Thread. While many of the years 2037-2047 are unknown to us, I use many established sources and even other historians to help piece what we do know together. I believe that when I waver from pure fact to more speculation, it should be easy for the reader to tell. I would hope that this volume is not judged prematurely or inadequate because of such an approach.

Finally, I think it is important to enjoy reading about the War. While much is hard to stomach, a person can take great comfort in the years of peace and prosperity that we have now entered into since the Internet was turned off, and is only learning about the War and not being bored by such a great stretch of our history that will stop us, lest someone somewhere tires of his or her life, and decides to Log On Line again.

Roberto Twilight LOLCatson III, phD. 12 September 2478.

The Pipe Snipe

29 Jan

A new B’day in lavatory technology!

With patented (pending) technology the Pipe Snipe® begins as soon as you enter the room, greeting the user with a pleasant, “Hello user, shall we begin to defecate shortly?”.  The user then removes his or her clothing and utilizes the Pipe Snipe®’s Pop-a-Squat® seating system to forcefully bend the user’s knees and hip, keeping the back straight while maintaining a efficient sitting posture. With a combination of hitting and sucking, Pipe Snipe® removes the user’s waste and deposits it onto a nearby silver platter where it is weighed and processed for abnormalities. The user is then forced to sift through their feces manually in order to account for the computer’s lack of human emotion that could result in errors overlooking such aspects as shape, size and overall impressiveness of the load. Pipe Snipe® then uploads this information into a personal user profile, compiling data into various forms of charts and graphs which can be used in business meetings or public presentations.

Clean up is a breeze when the deed is done. Pipe Snipe®’s own Anus Tracking System begins by scanning the user’s anus, immediately identifying the user from accessed information off of the database servers. A built-in waterproof camera allows Pipe Snipe® experts to monitor an anus to ensure that user identity is secure and validated. The camera also allows for the tracking and location awareness of an anus, even through movement or sudden change in shape. And with a built in x-ray setting, the camera can see through any obstacles that may find it’s way between the asshole and the camera.

The system then goes to work on cleaning. Two tongs insert shallowly into the anus and gently vibrates it  apart. A snakey, metal rod then sprays a pre-determined amount of water pressure, tempurature, and angle at the user’s colon. The user has the ability to use the Pipe Viewer© (optional) to manually control the rod for a custom clean. A minature blowdryer then blasts dry the user without the need for messy hands and wet clothes. Pipe Snipe® compares the before, during and after scans of the user’s anus during the session and finds the nearest printer on the network and prints out beautiful, high resolution scans for personal viewing.

The anus scans are uploaded into the user’s profile and are then viewable online, all you need to access the now hundreds of thousands of members is a simple name and email address. Subscribe to Pipe Snipe®’s Twitter and RSS feeds to get up-to-date information on your favorite users, compare stats like frequency, consistency and weight. Battle it out with your friends online with several multiplayer games such as King of the Hill: the most amount of weight in a week is crowned. Memory Game: challenge your friends to see who knows who by matching the same buttholes from different times together.  Even control your friend’s Pipe Snipe and earn points by completely cleaning where the poop comes out.

Pipe Snipe® also includes the Automated Nebular Upload System which allows you to network with other Pipe Snipe®s around the world and keep your custom settings. A fully searchable data base allows to user to track his or her stats online and even share with friends. With an integrated Twitter, Facebook, Digg and automatic contact list email update, your friends, family and coworkers are able to follow, and see, what you are doing with the Pipe Snipe and where you’re doing it. Over 2100 locations world-wide means even the most traveled of businessmen feel connected. And now with a newly integrated iPhone app, you can track your friends on the go with up-to-the-minute results sent straight to your iPhone, proudly announcing any new defication goals set by the friends you are following and overriding any previous action to ensure that not a moment is missed. The iPhone also transmits the same data to anyone within the area so they have a frame of reference for when they hear your shouts of astonishment. Astonishment with the new Pipe Snipe®!

Pipe Snipe® is available at all major retailers or order online and receive a free Pipe Viewer© touch tablet so you can see what’s going on down there without having to use cumbersome vanity mirrors. With Pipe Viewer©, the user can take screenshots of the action and uploads them as wallpaper on their website. So go to www.PipeSniper.com and order today! You’re anus will thank you!

The inside joke zeitgeist

6 Dec

Your Call is Important to Us.

18 Sep

follow the link to read a transcript of an unsolicited phone call recieved by the urband toledo gang on august 25th 2009


Balderdash Encyclopedia – Round 1

21 Aug

Fransisco Bobadilla

1) A jovial cheer bringer who, in the mid 1900s, was accused of molesting over 100 different types of feline.

Mira Franklin

1) Ben Franklin’s niece.  Ben had no kids because he was gay and it was illegal.

2) Mir’a, Mir’a, on da wall, who dat ho’, yo slip ‘er da ball! (testicle in vag)

C.S. Root

1) Coined the phrase, “Jimmy! Get outta here before she squirts on the floor!”


1) When one ‘combs’ semon in someones hair.  ex: “Get this coomed outta my hair!”

2) A salty, phalic, discharge capable of puttin’ outta eye.  ex: “I’s gonna coom in your hurr!”


1) Placing your completely flacid penis in either a mouth, anus, or vagina.  ex: “I’m gonna sniggle you right here in this locker room.”


1) Taking the forefinger and thumb, she gently spreads his urethra just enough to let the searing hot needle enter.  Robert looks in horror as his dick just, like, explodes, yo!

2) A rare medical anomaly where, like a spitchforck, “Dat dick don sporked!”


1) Matha Faga!!!  …shiiit…

2) Mutha Fuckin’ Shit~!


1) Philidelphia High schoolers Consulting to Anal

It Fell from the Sky

1) A story about a small poor village that discovers a piece of American technology, a glass bottle.  Then Polly Shore puts his penis in it and it get stuck in this zany comedy about bottle boners.

That Sinking Feeling

1) …I got that one time me and Geofery went to the YMCA pool and when we were done he changed in front of me and it was the first time I saw another wiener.

2) All little Jimmy ever wanted was to be a pro baseball player.  Until the day he drown in a pool.

Man on the Box

1) A triple X movie where this guy eat out like 50 chicks at once.  Then blows a dude.

In Louisiana, it is illegal for a barber to apply…

1) …lip stick around a clients butthole, that way he could pretend he was making out with a chick.

2) …mustard to my hotdog! Damn son, dat barber bitch don ointmented my p-p-p-penis!

Bay to Direct Next GTA Title

8 Jul

Bay on GTA4

Bay on GTA4

The popular online geeky column “Kotaku” reported today that Rockstar is in talks with Micheal Bay to direct the next Grand Theft Auto game. “I believe the line between film and game is beginning to blur.” Bay went on to say that he can easily see video games in movie theaters within the next half decade, “There are so many people who are content enough watching someone play a video game, why not bring that spirit of spectating to the theaters and home video?”. While theater-based video games are still to come, Bay draws comparisons between the two mediums. “Movies are lacking when compared to video games. Games are interactive and more engaging because you feel that you are there, part of the action.”

But according to Kotaku, this is something that has been done before and is only Hollywood’s attempt to break into the now booming video game industry. Jake Pulsner, Editor in Chief at Kotaku says, “There is a growing trend for filmmakers to turn well received video games into blockbusters, but it seems that more times than not they fall flat on their faces” naming Uwe Boll as a poster boy for games’ transitioning failure.”

Grand Theft Auto 4 is one of the best selling video games of all time, selling more copies in pre-orders than Halo 3 made the first 2 years of sales, previously the fastest selling game. The biggest surprise, however was when Bay announced that there will be a movie follow up of the video game he is slated to direct in late 2010. Bay concluded enigmatically by saying, “Let’s just say there be will a lot more action and a lot less worrying about what buttons to push on the controller.”

People have begun speculating at the type of film that would come from Bay who continues pushing the envelope of the Hollywood film with his most recent installment in the Transformers series, the wildly popular summer hit, starring Megan Fox. When asked if the new GTA film would be heavy on the CG Bay simply smiled saying, “We’ll see.”. Jean Reno is rumored to play the part of Niko Bellic’s cousin Roupert Bellic and will feature a fully functional motion capture controller using the PS3’s new camera. The game and film are both slatted for release in Winter 2011.

Erikats – Goals & Failures

25 Jun

There have been many times in history when people have aspired to be something better than they were, somebody that could achieve their goals. And while many have seen that same dream come to fruition, just as many have seen them fall flat on their faces. In the next line of Erik photographs we see the very nature of man.


Stephen King’s Olde Garden Worlde and Home Sympousioume

4 Jun

Dear Stockholder and Respected Customer of Stephen King’s Olde Garden Worlde and Home Sympousioume (SKOGWHS),

For those of you who do not know me, allow me to introduce myself.  I am the new CEO.  My name is Jack McDougal, and I am here to take SKOGWHS into the next decade of prosperity.  Yes, it is true that I was court appointed, but don’t let that color your judgement of my work or me.

As my first order of business, I will address some of the public relations blunders of my predecessor, and ways in which they are being remedied.


Lorenzo at Entertainment 3 Expo

3 Jun

Lorenzo here reporting from the field. I attended what is known as the “Nerd” expo here in LA and I’ve got the scoop on all the hot titles and gear that will be gracing your greasy covered tv’s the next couple of years. Strap on your strap-ons Wii Motes and prepare to be disabled by these explosive photos.

Feliz and myself parked and made our way into the main entrance of the show. Packs of roaming programmers dotted the vast expanse laid out before us. After looking aimlessly around for a way into the building we found what appeared to be the grand entrance.

This is E3

This is E3

Click to read on for the entire Journey…


Review: Great New Tunes (Sorry, not funny)

28 May

The Revenge of Bauer Ryan – a novela

1 May


Mr Bay on Twitter #1

24 Apr

Michael Bay has had a long and storied career in the film industry. His films like Pearl Harbor and The Island are among his finest works. While in search of Michael Bay memorabealia to purchase for my home, I stumbled upon his official Twitter blog. It is interesting to say the least, and perhaps, tells us a little more about this Stoic film genius.

Michael is just like you and me.

Michael is just like you and me.

Found: Journal

17 Apr

Journal Spotted!

Found: Journal

Entry 1

I sat down on the B-115 training heading home from work yesterday andlooked to my right to see a lone journal sitting in an empty seat beside me. After a few station stops it was obvious that someone had left it behind and was no longer around. Being the good Samaritan that I am, I picked it up and looked in the front cover to see if there was any information as to the owner’s whereabouts. Not seeing any, I flipped through the pages hoping to find clues but found a series of internal thoughts written within.

A few notes:

The act of pulling down one’s pants and pretending you are masturbating behind closed doors as someone is coming into the room seems just like masturbating to the untrained eye. Perhaps a more subtle approach such as making masturbating sounds with one’s pants up could be a better one. Perhaps this joke may be lost on most people but I need a way to do this effectively.

Dogs. Barking at a dog will quiet it down and confuse it. Growling and showing one’s teeth to a puppy will make it cower. Playing with a dog and rough-housing will make the dog want to play. Sticking your nose in a dog’s anus will simply startle it.

If I had a gun to my head and I had to have sex with one of the members with the Star Trek Enterprise I guess it would be Data and Worf because while Data lacks any real passion that Worf might exhibit, I really do think he’s a little puppy robot deep down inside. I’ll tell you this though: I wouldn’t touch that parrot nose Pickard with a 10 foot pole unless he coughed up some dough.

A girl looked at me today and all I could do was act like I got something in my eye and start to cry. I felt so much pressure and the only thing I could think of doing was making her feel sorry for me so she would kiss me on the lips or something. I ended up stumbling into her and breaking her ankle, the bone was all sticking out and she was screaming and all I could say was, “C-could I, uh, get your, you know, number?” and she blew me off like I was nothing. I’m tired of girls ignoring me!

I hooked my gamecube up to my dad’s tv in the basement with all the stuffed animals and when I went to play Mario Sunshine I switched the TV to input and a dusty old porn starring my dad and my mom from the 80’s was playing and my dad had a big mustache and was kind of grunting like a pygmy and it looked like my mom was completely asleep and unaware of what was happening to her girl parts. The reason I didn’t turn it off right away was because in the background I saw me standing there looking at the scene being videotaped. I had no previous recollection of this event and now it’s all I see when I close my eyes.

Today was a good day. I shaved my facial hair into a really cool soulpatch and right after that I saw up a girl’s skirt. This was seriously the best day ever!

Well well well. It seems that Colin, that guy that all the girls just love is up to his old tactics again. I was eating my lunch minding my own business when Colin, or Colon as I call him when he’s not in the same room as me, comes up from behind and messes up my hair, Whats up faggot? he bellows. Surely he was not referring to me so I ignore him and concentrate on my meal. Next thing I know his penis is next to my face and hes waving it around like its the piñata stick at an odd adult-themed birthday party. I continue to ignore him while he hoots and hollars, pretending that his penis is getting out of control and yelling, Watch out, I cant control it! Watch OUT! I go to take a bite out of my custom made sandwich when he uses his penis to knock it out of my mouth mid-bite. This frustrates me so much that I began chomping towards Colons dick hoping to get a good enough hold of it so he would get the message. Meanwhile, Colon is holding his dick in one hand, waving it all over my face while the other hand makes lasso circles in the air above his head yelling, Yahoo, ride em cowboy!. Across the room several of my (cute) female coworkers are looking in horror, some of them using their cellphones to record the whole fiasco and upload it to YouTube where my parents and girls I like will see it no doubt. Im sick of you people putting those videos up! Needless to say Colon got away intact and I was left with my dick-slapped sandwich but the jokes on him because I anticipated this and loaded the sucker full of spicy Dijon mustard so Im sure his reign of terror is over.I saw that stupid video of Colon, the sandwich and me on YouTubes featured page today.

30,000 views guys? Really? Come on!

There is certainly more in the journal, but there was a lot of entries and to be honest it was a pretty hard read to get through so when the time is right I’ll add some more.

Tragedy strikes the Kiff household

13 Apr

Just last Saturday night at the famouse “Threen” household, young Denny Kiff shot brother and friend Nim Kiff in the face, damaging Nim badly and causing tension in the home.  Sister Kim Kiff seemed to laugh off the incident as another string in the long line of brotherly warrior legend. The taker of this graphic photo was none other than their judge, jury, and exectutioner(aka Mom Kiff, Betsy). Betsy was quite upset but seemed assured Nims face would be restored. ” I go to one of the best plastic men in the valley for my skin grafts and nipple tucks and i’m sure Ron(Greenshell, MD) will work his magic on poor Nim. ” As for mischievous young Denny, he’s been grounded till Tuesday and can only watch TV 2 hours a day till then. The Kiff “threens” , as their friends call them, were the famously born identical boy triplets. Betsy, overwhelmed with the reality of three boys turned Kim(who was then Kip) into a girl with the help of Ron Greenshell.

Lost UTG Manual Recovered from Sealed Archives!

7 Apr


Little Blue Pill

1 Apr

Even Kings Consult Our Site!

Sure, sure, we know what you’re probably thinking; “If you get kings to visit your site, why would you want my business?”, and that’s exactly why we want you, because you ask the right questions. I’ll be honest with you, now I don’t tell everyone this, in fact you’re the first, but I want you to know that we have a special deal going on that I’m not supposed to tell pe- no, no, I shouldn’t…well, you have an real man’s face, you know, a face I feel will keep the right information in the right place. Alright, I’ll tell you the deal, but you have to do something for me first. Just sign on this line. Pretty much what this boring document that you don’t want to waste your time reading says is that you just agree to certain guidelines on the document, lame legal stuff if you ask me so…there we go.

Ok, now this is going to sound weird but, you know what the penis is right? Ok, now imagine the inside with all of its vein and capillaries and whatnots and imagine blood going through it but the blood is really weak and doesn’t flow if you know what I mean. Now, look at this pill in my hand here. Now what this little blue wonder does is make those veins and insides and stuff in your man parts open up like, like flood gate size so blood is going in and out like a 24 hour diner on 8th Street, you know? Now, imagine your wife, you got a wife? Girlfriend? Now imagine her looking at this busy intersection and watching her eyes light up brighter than a birthday cake for Hugh Hefner on Christmas. It’s that big. I’m saying Godzilla would be jealous, shoot, Mothra would be green with envy. Now I’m not saying anything; you seem like a guy who’s got it going on, but who doesn’t need a boost from time to time? You think Obama conquered America by himself? Nah, I guarantee that he had one of these blue bad-boys in his suit jacket at all times, guarantee it, my friend.

Now, with the way that these things have been going around here, it’s hard to sell just one pack, a pack being about 48 sessions with the lady. No, one pack isn’t enough for a guy with the pizzazz of, now this was my first thought, looked like a young Brad Pitt. I’m not talking Meet Joe Black or even 12 Monkeys B.P., no, I’m talking A River Runs Through It Pittster. So what’s a guy going to do when he’s got the looks and charisma of Brad Pitt? Now this is the deal that I was telling you about: He gets the box. Right off the bat I’m not going to lie to you and I’ll say a box is 1200 sessions but let me just break that down for you real quick. Let’s say that you get going on a bi-nightly basis; you’re a busy guy, sometimes you just got some other stuff going on.  So, bi-nightly. Now you’re already at 182.5 days in the first year alone, so that’s good. And you have to take into account that charisma I mentioned earlier. So you can mark up 4 weekends on top of that year and that’s 8 more. So now you’re sitting at 10 shy of 200 which is no small beans by any means.

Looking at your face now I can hear the question coming: “Can’t I handle this on my own?”, and sure, the answer is yes, but it’s the difference between a robot making love to 50 women and then turning around and making 50 Ford Taurus’ and then going onto 50 more women without so much as a break and you making love to 50 women and then sleeping for 50 hours, you know? I’m not saying anything to your performance, but that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s one thing to give your lady-friend a decent hand shake from time to time, sure, but it’s another thing to start playing a patty-cake game that ends in a climax that’ll knock both your socks off, if you know what I mean, my friend. I’m sure you’ve seen TV from time to time, who hasn’t, and I’m sure you’ve seen the ads that have all the warnings and scare tactics and whos-whats-its, but all of that is just sprinkling for the cake, frosting on the pizza, legs for the table; things you don’t need, but it’s sure darn good to have them. And why shouldn’t you? I’m sure you’ve been a man for most your life and it’s far from me to tell you how to live it, but I do know that 95% of men prefer to get down to business and really dive into a project like the one I’m presenting to you now.

Look, here’s something that I can offer you that I know you wouldn’t get off of a site or late night infomercials is a chance to try it right here and now. That’s what I’m offering to you now. Pop one of these pills, we’ll just jump into the alley over there and you can try the ol’ “blue rocket” out on good ol’ Jimmy here. There’s no pressure – no “hidden fees” of sorts – just your back-to-the-old-days try it before you buy it. My dad was the same way and his dad before him. So you can just lean on my trust I’ll take you all the way. Also, you can give me a reach around if you want.

Erikats – Celebrity Spotter

12 Mar

The UTG has been hitting the pavement to get some of the best celebrity pics. Behind the scenes, paparazzi and personal photos brought to you exclusively from the Urban Toledo Gang’s Celebri-Pics archive.




Erikats – M-m-m-monster Combo!

5 Mar

Erikats as they were meant to be seen! As Erikats!


Erikats – Fight Global Warming Tips

3 Mar

Don’t let the terrorists win! Fight global warming with these great tips from our top writers. And Erikats of course!


Subject: FWD: 1. New Rules for Urban Toledo Gang E-Mail Correspondence

24 Feb

From: Lorenzo [email redacted]

Subject: 1. New Rules for Urban Toledo Gang E-Mail Correspondence

Date: 14 February 2009

To: Urban Toledo Gang [email redacted]

1.  All e-mails will be written in a numbered format.

2.  New subjects and sentences should appear on a new line, with a number preceding.

3.  Numbers should be sequential.

4.  This should ensure that lines are read in the correct order.

5.  Outline form may be used.

  1. Altho standard outline format calls for alternating numbers and letters based on heiarchy, only numbers will be used.
  2. Graphical outlines may be used, provided numbers are incorporated.

6.  To save time, you may be tempted to use numbered lists.

7.  This is highly discouraged.

8.  By numbering each line manually, one is forced to consider each line carefully.

9.  Extraneous lines shall be omitted.

10.  Failure to omit extraneous lines shall result in constipation.

11.  When attaching files, add numbers to the beginning of file names.

12.  This is to make it easier to determine which attachment should be opened first.

13.  If there is no proper order for attachments, do not send them in the same e-mail.

14.  Instead, send each attachment in a separate e-mail, numbering each e-mail in the subject line based on the order they were sent.

15.  When attaching pictures of your genitals, it is important to provide three attachments, numbered in the correct order:

  1. The first picture should be your genitals, covered by clothing.  In the case of a dick, the dick may be in any state, either flacid or covered, or some combination of the two.  However, it should be covered in such a way that while its shape is obvious, it could also be confused for a small cucumber.
  2. The second picture should be your genitals, unaroused and unclothed.  In the case of a dick, playing with one’s self beforehand is acceptable, provided the dick remains more flaccid than erect.  This may be necessary so as not to embarrass yourself with a small dick.  This picture may or may not be work safe, depending on where you work.  Not safe for work tags are highly discouraged.
  3. The final picture should be your genitals, aroused and unclothed.  In the case of a dick, a raging boner is required.  This picture may or may not be work safe, depending on where you work. Not safe for work tags are highly discouraged.

16.  Failure to comply with these new rules for Urban Toledo Gang e-mail correspondence may result in your immediate dismissal.

17.  Signed,

18.  Lorenzo

19.  Dictated but not read.

Photographer Enthusist’s Guide to Nature

5 Feb

Open your window, breathe in the fresh air and take in the stunning beauty nature has to offer. That smell, those sounds and sights is what is meant to stay preserved. Spring time is the best time to see nature growing and propitiating. It is also a great time to photograph animals fucking.

Being the pidgon-holed sub-genre of art that it is, Animal Fucking has long gone unnoticed, flying under the radar. But as the internet has shown me (NSFW), it’s something that is still very much alive. I remember last year I was out walking, taking photos of course, and, I’m not lying here, I saw a squirrel going to town on a hamster. I’m not really sure what a hamster was doing out and about like that, but I guess he found a friend. I took a few snaps of the happy couple and I was on my way. Next, and I’m not lying again, I saw two horses and a cow engaged in what can only be described as a “farm-fest”. I saw more balls that day than an eight-year-old at Chucky Chesse (in the ball pit). And finally, and this one isn’t a lie, I saw a lady giving a dog a blow job. The lady was bending down and it actually only looked like she was fixing a leash to the dog’s collar, but at the angle that I took the picture, it looks like the leash is the dog’s penis and it’s going through her cheek or something, so it looks exactly like public dog-blowing.

Birds are also a nice species to see porking. Although there isn’t any penetration (they rub coaculas together), it’s still pretty awesome to see a 5-to-1 duck gang bang and snap some phos (photographs, but I decided to save a little time and write “phos”). Being one of nature’s most natural and beautiful acts (you know, straight up dick-n’-balls rod-ramming) it’s alarming how easily such a wonderful thing can go unnoticed.

This one was by my house
This one was gorgeous

Obama presidency intimidating to some whites

25 Jan

Steve Fomper reports on white paranoia.

The rise of Barack Obama to the most powerful postion in the world has been a story full of integrity and high politics, and most breathed a sigh of relief as Bush flew away and Obama marched in on historic Jan. 20th. But only a few days into the presidency, a sense of subtle doubt has seemed to creep up on some of the white voters. On special task Interviewing people from all over the homeland on their thoughts about Obama, i began to see a pattern emerge underneath the prevailant optimism. In areas such as North Carolina and Alabama, I noticed small flocks of middle aged relatively uneducated white males who voted for the president but on seeing him in the whitehouse began to feel a sense of fear. In Carolina I ran into the animated Billy Cutler. A 54 year old house builder for most of his life and married with 4 kids in a strong southern christian family,Billy was a strong embodiment of midwest americana. I asked him his thoughts on the president. ” Everyone was all happy bout this president so i figured, hey, maybe this guys not so bad, america is behind him and i consider myself a patriot, so i voted for the man. But once i saw him stroll into the whitehouse i began to have my doubts, i mean shit, the black panthers still have a lot of say and all what with rap and everything and you just never know his full connections.  And he just looked so confident and sure and tall and has such a booming voice, and well, i’m rather short, insecure, and my voice is unusually high and soft because i worked installing insulation for 20 years and the dust crystals cut my vocal chords to smithereens, and i just felt momentary hatred seeing this man so much better than i. And you know Steve, the blacks are taking over, time to pack your bags.” I notice he literally does have many bags packed in the back of his modest living room. I ask him where he’s going. “Canada Steve, the last promised land for us whites except maybe Russia. See the blacks dont like the cold, like if you’ve ever seen a bee paralyzed by the early morning frost its kinda like that for em. And they’ve conquered most of our sports by this point, even got golf, and i’ve never enjoyed nascar cause its too loud, but in the north you got hockey, one of the whites last stands. And my two daughters Vanessa and Charity are always watching that mtv and most of what i see is black men racing lamborghinis and talking gibberish but my daughters love these guys.  Lets face it, they’re stronger, louder, faster, and they make more popular music. Us whites are on our way out of the evolutionary plan buddy, but god damn i’m gonna move to canda and try to forget it. I mean, maybe we’re still a bit smarter than them and we can just leave blacks the earth and the whites can explore space.” Steve Fomper reporting.

Billy Grubs: Stand-up Comedian, Guy.

19 Jan

I was just checking out Portland the other day and thought I would go into this comedy club and whoa I did.  I don’t remember what it was called but it had some doors and shit in the entry and there were these people sitting around drinking PBR and sucking on each other’s thumbs.  They stopped right after I got in there, I guess it was part of the act that was on stage.

His name was Billy Grubs (or Grubbs, he never spelled it, just ended every joke with “My name is Billy Grubs”), and he was a hoot.  I tried to find some stuff on YourTube with him, but could only find stuff about meal worms and shit.  Anyway, there was one joke he did I really liked so I thought I would share it with you all.  It loses a little in the telling, you had to be there.  Still, it isn’t bad.  I’m just going to bracket the whole thing in quotes, and not tell you when there was laughter, because there was a lot.

“You guys know these self-help gurus?  What a load of shit, am I right?  My name is Billy Grubs.  I went to the bookstore the other day because I really need to get my life in order.  My wife wants to leave me, but I tied her up in the basement so she can’t do that, right?  Haha, no seriously my name is BIlly Grubs.  Anyway, I picked up like two dozen books.  They all have the same sounding titles, like Get your life together, one step at a time, and What your life can be like, once you get it together, one step at a time, and My name is Billy Grubs.  Kidding about that last one folks.

“Anyway, I started flipping through them all, trying to get my life together.  They all have the same advice, and I think it’s pretty true.  They say you have to break down every task into as small a thing as possible.  I said, ‘That’s what she said, my name is Billy Grubs.’  Am I right?  Seriously, Grubs, Billy Grubs.  Hahaha.  Anyway, for example, you don’t just ‘Clean the house,’ you break it down to ‘Vacume the house’ and then you vacume by ‘get the vacume out of the closet,’ ‘plug the vacume in’ etc.  This helps you manage everything, right.

“So I thought, why not do this for my act?  You know?  Why don’t you guys help me get my life together, or at least watch me do it, right?  Come, on it will be fun!  You guys just follow me out the door.”

We followed him out the door of the club, and were standing around the street now.

“So, we need to hail some cabs!”

We did.

“We need to go to Kitchen Kaboodle!”

We did.

“We need to buy some of these knives, I’m buying guys.”

There must have been about fifty or so people in the Kitchen Kaboodle, and we all bought knives.  The store was clean out of knives.  Actually, that’s what he said, “My name is Billy Grubs and Kitchen Kaboodle is out of fucking knives, motherfuckers.”

“So we have knives, now what, right?  Well this is my life, and I’m breaking everything down for you.

“We’re going to go to the grocery store now, and by some goddamn vegetables.  Doesn’t matter what kind, otherwise I’d break it down even more.”

We went to Whole Foods and even tho I won’t shop there, I went in anyway.  I let everyone else pick out all manner of cuccumbers, melons, tomatos, oranges.  (No one seemed to realize that most of these are fruits.  Billy Grubs didn’t care.)

“I’m buying these cunt vegetables!” (Billy Grubs was getting more and more vulgar as we went along in the night, I think he had been drinking.) “Get in line, and save the receipts, you pricks.”

So we all saved our receipts.

“Hail another cab!  And we’re going up to Killingsworth, at around 42nd.”

So we got in our cabs and headed up there.  We got out and Billy Grubs was yelling at a couple drunks.  I couldn’t really understand any of it, except “My name is Billy Grubs,” and then he gave them some knives and vegetables he had.

“All right everyone, take a shit.  This is your last chance.”

Billy Grubs just pooped right there next to the sidewalk, and a few people went into the bushes.  Most of us just skipped this step and hoped it didn’t hurt his chances of turning his life around.

“This way.”

We followed him up to a house, and he knocked on the door.  “You guys can lose the vegetables, just keep the receipts.  We may need those as evidence.” This guy answered the door, “Billy?” he said.  “What are you doing here?”

“Get your knives ready, guys!  We all bought these knives for cutting our dinner vegetables, right?”

Billy lunged on the guy, and started stabbing him a bunch.

“Come on, stab, you cocksuckers!  My name is Billy Grubs!”

It was a bloody mess.  Whoops.  What have I done?

The West Coast Ass-Seal Phonomenon

14 Jan

An indepth inteview with the hottest trend-setters in So-Cal by New American Trend’s Senior Editor, Doug Katzen

A perky group of young twenty-somethings congregate around the entrance of the popular sun tan parlor, Richard’s Rays in downtown Los Angeles. The six of them chatter away loudly, making plans for their next big gathering. A few text messages are sent with plans to meet with even more of these golden-skinned California girls. The girls begin to say their goodbyes through faux hugs and air kisses on either side of each other’s cheeks all while balancing an iced mocha and an over sized tote bag from Gavani or Duetche. They begin to exit the parlor and return to their respective cars when suddenly one blond and loud-voiced girl shouts, “Ass seal!” in a manner that sounds as matter-of-fact as, “See you tomorrow!”. Two girls emerge from the group bare-assed and fly impossibly through the air at each other and connect mid-flight to each other’s asses. The two girls giggle and remain stuck together in this manner until the salutation is over.

This isn’t some form of strange nude public fetish but just the newest form of saying goodbye between young women. While appearing strange to those new to the concept, when looked at beneath the surface, its nothing less than a sign of respect and deep friendship. “When our anuses touch, there really isn’t any other way that you can connect closer to another person. Period.” Says Maddie Saillian of West Hollywood. “If there is a better way to say goodbye to one of your closest friends, it either doesn’t exist or we just haven’t invented it yet.” says another California native with a wry smile.

I had a chance to sit down with the girls who started the Ass-Seal trend and really see where it all began. Sarah, presumably their leader by how the other girls look at her in admiration and the giant size of her bulbous head, starts the interview without the need of a question.

Sarah: “So what this whole Ass-Seal thing is now is a, like, pretty much a big fad that everyone is doing now. But I’ll tell you this; we’ve been ass-sealin’ for a lot longer than these other girls have been.” Sarah looks around the group for confirmation, all of them shake their head in agreement.

Me: “I guess that answers my first question then. So what exactly made you want to start such a strange goodbye?”

Sarah: “Well, it wasn’t just overnight. We had been starting goodbye trends for a while, but nothing really stuck, you know? Then suddenly, like, overnight, I had one of those ‘piphanies and I thought, you know, “why not go ass to ass in a way that says, “see ya, sister!”?” After that it was more popular than Kanye West at a smoothie shop in, I don’t know, Vermont or some weird place. It seriously happened overnight.”

Me: “So where is the limit? What decides who gets the ass-seal and who doesn’t?”

Sarah: “It really comes down to who you know and how much you know them, but there have been times when I’ve done it to complete strangers before. Everyone wants an ass-seal, so you know that it’s not a big deal if you do it.” Sarah suddenly gets up and removes her skirt. “Ass-seal” she screams and she leaps end first to one of the girls in the group who seemed to not be paying attention. As if there was some sort of telepathic link between the two, the girl receiving an ass-seal leaps at Sarah. The resulting sound was like a large butcher’s hand spanking the bare skin of an overweight pig with a subsequent sucking sound that sounds eerily like a cartoon suction sound effect. The two stand there, smiling at their most recent connection. Sarah continues the interview. “It’s like you are saying, hey, you wanna hang out later or you’re like my bestest friend in the world right now. The French have their kissing. We have our ass-seal.”

Me: “So where do you see this trend going?”

Sarah: “Well I recently saw some commercial on TV with Jennifer Aniston and Brett Favre that was talking about little, like, fucked up kids in Africa and in all of the pictures that they had of the kids, none of them were smiling. My hope..no, OUR hope, is that we can go down there and ass-seal each and every one of those children. I think that would make their hunger, diseases and sadness go away like that!” Sarah snaps her fingers together.

Me: “That certainly sounds ambitious, but just the little amount of time I’ve spent with you girls has made me realize that an ass-seal is much more than just a trend; it’s a way of life and it can change the world.”

The girls smile bashfully, a few engage in spontaneous ass-seals.

Me: “One more thing, ladies. Do you think I could get an ass-seal?”

Sarah and group: “Of course! ASS-SEAL~!”

Spikey Meatball

16 Dec


Its a spikey meata balla!

donta toucha da spikey meata balla!

Ita mighta cut you!



12 Nov


I was purposefully wondering around aimlessly yesterday and saw a poster for a new pizza shop requesting permission to open shop in the neighborhood. I went to city hall to listen in on the hearing and maybe even give my two cents. What happened at that city hall hearing was, to say lightly, strange. After the hearing I seduced the stenographer and made sweet love to her that night. After the rigorous sex session I grabbed the dictation she had made which was sitting precariously on the bed-stand next to the bed. I present to you now, some of what was said that night at the courthouse.

Vinnie's Pizza Shop

Vinnie's Pizza Shop

Vinnie is the Pizza Man wanting to open a shop.
Anyone else is arbitrary.

Vinnie: Ladies and gentlemen… I’ve traveled over half our state to be here tonight. I couldn’t get away sooner because my new cafe was opening up at Coyote Hills and I had to see about it. That cafe is now flowing at two thousand barrels and it’s paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. I have two others opening and I have sixteen producing at Antelope. So, ladies and gentlemen… if I say I’m a pizza man you will agree.

Judge: Sir, please sit down. Are you are here to open a pizzeria or am I mistaken?

Vinnie: You have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you’re not careful.

Judge: Sir?

Vinnie: Out of all men that beg for a chance to drill your wives, maybe one in twenty will be pizza men; the rest will be speculators-men trying to get between you and the pizza men-to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you. Even if you find one that has money, and means to pizza, he’ll maybe known nothing about pizza-ing and he’ll have to hire out the job on contract, and then you’re depending on a contractor that’s trying to rush the job through so he can get another contract just as quick as he can. This is the way this works.
Man: What is your offer? We’re wasting time.
Vinnie: I do my own pizzaing and the men that work for me, work for me and they are men I know can make a good crust. I make it my business to be there and see to their work on the crusts. I don’t lose my tools in the hole and spend months fishing for them; I don’t botch the saucing off and let water in the hole and ruin the whole pizza. I’m a family man- I run a family business. This is my son and my partner, H.W. Vinnie.
[indicates H.W Vinnie who is picking his nose vigorously]
Judge: Sir, my courtroom and these people who are witness today, do not have time for your jokes. Please descri-
Vinnie: -We offer you the bond of family that very few pizzamen can understand. I’m fixed like no other company in this field and that’s because my Coyote Hills cafe has just come in. I have a string of tools all ready to work. I can load a dough onto trucks and have them here in a week. I have business connections so I can get the lumber for the shop; such things go by friendship in a rush like this.

Judge: You don’t need to build the store. Your going to be leasing a pre-existing building on 23rd and Main.

Vinnie: And this is why I can guarantee to start pizzaing and put up the cash to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won’t be there…


That was the first step into madness. I was looking around the room at this point trying to get a read on people to see if I was the brunt of the joke or what. Apparently there were other people just as confused and scared as I. What happened next was even more shocking and terrifying.


Vinnie: You’re not the chosen brother, Eli. It was Paul who was chosen. You see, he found me and told me about your pizza. You’re just a fool.

Judge: Stop it right now! I refuse to make my courtroom into the laughing stock of this town!

Eli Sunday: Why are you talking about Paul? Don’t say this to me.

Judge: Who is this man? Eli, please return to your seat!

Vinnie: I did what your brother couldn’t. I broke you and I beat you. It was Paul who told me about you and your secret pizza sauce. He’s the prophet. He’s the smart one. He knew what was there and he found me to take it out of the ground, and you know what the funny thing is? Listen… listen… listen… I paid him ten thousand dollars, cash in hand, just like that. He has his own pizzaria now. A prosperous little business. Three pizzarias producing. Five thousand dollars a week.
[Eli cries swinging his arms into the air]
Vinnie: Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense. You’re just the afterbirth, Eli. The bad dough.
Eli Sunday: No…
Vinnie: You slithered out of your mother’s filth. You don’t even know how to make calzone.
Eli Sunday: No.
Vinnie: They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantlepiece. Where were you when Paul was suckling at your mother’s teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli- one of Bandy’s sows? That pizza has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It’s gone. It’s had. You lose.
Eli Sunday: If you would just take this lease, Vinnie…
Vinnie: Bad location! Bad Location, Eli, you boy. It’s been drained dry. I’m so sorry. Here, if you have a pizza, and I have a pizza, and I have a straw. There it is, that’s a straw, you see? You watching?. And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your pizza…kinda like…kinda…like this!
[Vinnie is making a mess]
Vinnie: I… drink… your… pizza!
[sucking sound]
Judge: Stop this nonsense! This courtroom is not a bowling alley!
Vinnie: I drink it up!
Eli Sunday: Don’t bully me, Daniel!
[Vinnie roars and throws Eli across the room landing on the bench seats of the witnesses]
Vinnie: My name is not Daniel! Did you think your song and dance and your superstition would help you, Eli? I am the Third Revelation! I am who the Lord has chosen to make this pizza!
[Vinnie grabs a bowling pin and begins to beat-]


Yeah, it just gets worse from there. But the strange thing about this was that the Judge ended up granting the lease and zoning for his light-up sign out front. “Vinnie’s Pizzeria” is what it’s called. I don’t go to it at all because of what I saw that night but I hear from people around town that the guy does a killer Daniel Plainview impression.


Tony on Tony

28 Oct

Tony Danza for Godd

Tony Danza for God

My name is Tony Centura, and a fellow Tony, Tony Danza,  has been a special mentor for me for quite some time now. I’ll always remember my Senior year at Cadbury Highschool East Central Fighting Badgers Memorial for many fun times, but the highlight was probably when Tony Danza came and gave an outstanding and incredibly moving motivational speech. Tony talked shop for a few hours on a variety of subjects. He opened up about his battles with cocaine addiction in 1986 while down in miami working on the short-lived soap opera Trinity Winds: Paradise Beach, and he showed us all the path for success is abstinence from drug abuse and gambling. He had a lighthearted charm that captivated throughout though, and he worked the crowd up with many funny impressions including a great bugs bunny “whats up doc” that even gave principal Pinecrust a chuckle.. He lamented about the importance of diet and exercise and showed us some awesome tricks like backflips and frog spirals, sometimes coming up to 12 feet off the air. It was awesome! But most important of all was his talk of following the right path through the maze of success, and how to put your dreams into action. He made me realize that with enough persistance and gung-ho, anyone can strike it rich and become a success. As Tony ended the speech I ran down to meet him personally and tell him how much he had inspired me. He shook my hand with the beaming energy of Zeus and told me he was glad I liked what he said and gave me a card with his website on it, then he held his big bear paw up for a high five and as our hands collided he transfered such a high voltage zap of zest into my system that my brain seemed to have an explosion and I fainted. My head hit the floor and my neck snapped slightly to the left, putting me into a coma for 7 months. When I awoke and learned to read again, I found that Tony’s big heart wrote me a personal note of inspiration in my hard times, stating “sorry bud, hope you get better soon, dare to dream, dream daring dreams, your friend Tony Danza”.  Even though the coma had confused me deeply, I slowly put my life together and realized Tony Showed me true power and it was a sign I need to become stronger. The fall had left me hunchbacked and my neck stuck out in a greusome fashion to the left, but i tried to just persevere and follow my dream to make it to hollwood and become a celebrity actor. I moved to hollywood once i learned how to walk, and I have never looked back. It was hard at first, but after a few years of doing small commercials for Magic Shops and Circuses, I was noticed by heralded horror director Mikaleli Mikaloo, and I was cast as a GremlinTroll in his newest epic “SandShatterer of the Underbeast” . My disfigured neck worked perfectly to cover the audience with a dense fear, and i was cast in many monster and villain parts after “Shatterer”. I’ve been trying to get ahold of Tony Danza for many years now to thank him for changing my life. I’ve been following all his movies and shows and interviews and with meticulous detail analyzing him and gleaning off the wisdom he seems to excert effortlessly. For the last 5 years he has not replied to any of my thousands of emails and I’ve been a bit worried he is ignoring me, but i know he’s really just busy and we are fated to meet again. Anyways, this is my story and to keep up on the latest tony info, gossip, pictures, videos, and paintings ( painted by me Tony Centura) check out TonyonTony.org           I hope you’ll join me in celebrating this modern marvel.





Ride the Fridge!

15 Oct


New Apple computers came out yesterday and that means the floodgates have opened for all the nerds, fanboys, and media hungry businessmen to give up their shout-outs to all their homeboys. what WHAT! While the next consumer reaches out for that latest morsel of shiny goodness, apple stands ever ready behind them for the perfect angle of entry. What makes apple respectable is not their business practices, but the way they know how to navigate an economy that loves to buy things it can’t afford. HURAY! I asked my good friend Zach Klyde to fill us in on what makes this latest offering so special




WHAT WHAT! Hey what’s up Zach here! No so what’s up with yall! Nah, I’m just trashin’! I picked up one of these new macbooks today because I just got the lowdown that apple was going to release some new machines next week. I’ve got the inside scoop for everyone BEFORE it hits! 




First of all. These new machines look like a masterpiece waiting to happen. The all black screen is great and always popular and now the Lacquer queen has shown us some much needed love with enhanced lacquer shine to increase that depth! I challenge anyone to tell me that screen doesn’t look DEEP as SHIT! It’s also nice because I had an accident and it cleaned off nice and quick. I was checking out the underside of the machine when Tom Johnson walked into the store. That guy is a douche so I quickly dropped below the counter so as to he

That's me in secret ops.

That's me in secret ops.

 wouldn’t sense my presence. I could tell he was looking for the new computers and since I’m Zach I couldn’t let him have it. I immediately threw the laptop at Tom’s back and it wicked slammed into the back of his head. What a crazy shot! He dropped like a pack of sardines onto a pizza. I came over and spread the sauce. Of course the apple nerds wouldn’t like it so they kicked me out. They suck anyways. I decided to head over to a local chill, the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. They have this contraption there where you can put your cone under a nozzle that looks like a dick

sweet apple wallpaper

sweet apple wallpaper


and make your own ice cream cones. Usually I can just put some ice cream in my had and walk away but they had a new manager there so I stopped and starred at him. I could tell he knew what I was going to do and I also saw my pictured on the wall behind him so I quickly filled up my hand with some “Hefty Chowder Blueberry Blast” and then chucked it at the guy. It was crazy hilarious as it splattered all over his face like a cream pie. I came over and spread the cream. The mall cops were on a power trip and kicked me out but not after I gave them my first amendment right! Whatever, that’s bull-shit. There was one last stop I had to make before my day was done. Starbucks. I knew this place was popular among the mac nerds so I decided to try and spread my knowledge with them. I entered the store. The lady at the register asked if I wanted anything and gave her this pretty hot “What do you think” kinda look that basically told her I wanted a Grande iced mocha with no whip. I grabe a chair, spun it around and immediately sat down next to a pretty hot chick. I told her “What’s the word on Mac.” She was into it. I could tell because she was starting to sweat. I then reached over and grabbed her leg and asked again. “What’s the word baby.” She looked right back at me and said “Why don’t you look down and find out for yourself.” I looked down and saw it. One of the new mac laptops.

Zach sig carry me out!




Thanks Zach.


I could use some help here, son.

15 Oct

Me and Megan

Me and Megan


It’s dad.  I don’t supposed you’d be able to give me a hand here.  See, darngonitall computer has been acting up again.  I don’t even know why I bother with these things.  Things were a whole lot easier without them.

I was trying to get on that internet thing to try and find some information about those gloves I was telling you about the other day.  Seeing if I might be able to order some of them for your sister’s birthday coming up here.  I checked Wal-Mart and K-Mart and all them places, but those buggers are hard to find.  But your mother was saying how Megan got her last pair from that Amazon company on the internet site and I should just order some from there.  Of course, the last thing I need is to start getting

Also, let me know if you find these on sale anywhere

Also, let me know if you find these on sale anywhere

them WWW hackers and identity thefts getting all my credit card and social security information, so I thought I’d try to find a phone number or address on the site where I could talk to a real life person about them gloves and how much they cost and all.

Well, as soon as I touched that little world with the magnifying glass button with the ol’ clicker, it started acting funny.  It was making lots of noises like when that Betsy dog had gotten into that pen and threw up 13 of Megan’s baby rabbits while we were all eating chili dogs, only mix that with one of them police sirens you hear on Bourne Identity when he’s in Europe.  Finally it brought up that internet box, but it was going really slow like, so I blew into that slot where Mom puts the disk that has the Christmas letter template on it.  It seemed to be working a bit better after that.

Next thing I know, some girl shows up and has got this enormous breasts while there’s some black guy sticking his thinger in her butt and a Mexican putting his thinger in her mouth, and she keeps wanting to cough it back up.  I thought dangnabbit, I’ve caught one of them hacker viruses.  Well, I didn’t know how to get rid of the dang thing.  I started clicking on this and that and just more pictures of these girls with them black guys keep showing up all over the place.

Anyway, I managed to get rid of most of them just by clickering them away, but now I’ve got a bunch of the warning flag things, and the clicker’s not working anymore, and there ain’t no hourglass or nothing.  So, if you could take a look at this here screen and let me know how to get rid of this mess I’ll take you out to Applebees or something.  But try to be quick before your mother gets back from the grocery store, because I’ll be in a heck of trouble if she sees them penises and vaginas all over her fancy computer setup.

When you call me, you’ll have to call me on your mother’s cell phone, because the house phone is still being used by that internet hookup or whatever you call that, and I can’t get it off.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Love, Dad.

Indie Hour

9 Oct


What up guys.  Cole, here.  I was just listening to New Kids on the Block – don’t worry, it’s the old stuff…the new album is too popular now to be hip to listen to, although probably just as bad, which means it’s awesome.  But as long as I’m here, I thought I’d transcribe some of the pages from my My Little Pony notebook you always see me scribbling in.  Ah, here’s an entry of the review I made last fall of the movie Eagle Vs. Shark I wrote at the Wendy’s across from the mall while looking at fat kids:

EAGLE VS. SHARK – Movie was great.  People in 80s clothes = awesome!  Windbreakers=hilarious (remember to buy some from Goodwill later).  Guy from Flight of the Conchords (not the one I’m bi for, the other guy).  Sometimes it didn’t make sense, which is trippy awesome.  Didn’t know the director, so that’s good.  Soundtrack had weird music, it was amazing…i felt like dying.  Didn’t know the bands, except Devendra Banhart (but I don’t like him anymore…too popular.  I heard his CD playing at Borders!)  Funny animation bits that didn’t fit in were great – fuck you corporate America and all the shitty movies that just make money.  Me and Jesse were the only people at the movie, everyone else was in line to see No Country For Suck My Balls Coen Brothers.  Coens are such bullshit fatcats.  I give the movie *.  Yup, *.  I’m not fuck face Ebert trying to get rich by giving my sore ass thumbs up to a shitty movie just because fucking Universal and Fox have their million dollar, Lear jet riding, martini stirring gold plated thumbs so far up my ass that I need to get people in the theater.  Fuck, don’t see EAGLE VS. SHARK.  I gave it *, bitch.  Fuck that, 1/4 star.  Don’t see this movie and turn another cinema artist into a Wes “May-As-Well-Be-Bruckheimer-I-Got-So-Much-Money” Anderson!  Before you kow it, we’ll all be corporate robots working for Empire Ford-Starbucks and watching McDonald-Paramount pictures that are all the same with Hallie Berry and Will Ferrell starring in romantic comedies about lovers fight space aliens and sucking Bush’s dick.  Fuck this review, I’m going to Buffalo Exchange and buying a pink t-shirt because I’m not letting society dictate to me that pink is for girls.

Yeah.  I was going through some hard times back then.  Luckily Lex at AlteredNatives Music got me into some Icelandic music that was recorded in bathroom stalls like 30 years ago and then remixed last year by some Europop dudes and accompanied by an orchestra.  It pretty much saved my life because it was so beautiful.  Well, gotta run…me and my vegan girlfriend are going to make buttons that support Ron Paul for president because it is so ironically hilarious.

John Waters

6 Oct

Hi, My names Ted McMulbock and I represent my client, John Waters Esp. Jim Fox is gay. How do I know this, Becuase John Waters gave him an EXCELENT hand job behind the Squirtin’ Irish Pub last week AND HE LIKED IT! Elect John Waters and he’ll make sure Jim Fox doesn’t get elected. Also, You can put wood all over your poster Jim but it ain’t going to make US get wood. HA! LOL!


John Waters Campaign Poster. He is better than Jim Fox at everything.

John Waters Campaign Poster. He is better than Jim Fox at everything.

You know who to vote for.

Campaign ’08 – Jim Fox Flyer

5 Oct

Stick a few hundred of these in the mail and the title is mine!

Stick a few hundred of these in the mail and the title is mine!

Jim Fox does not back down from criticism nor does he get intimidated by small dicked “politicians” like John Waters who is so obviously gay that he invented it. He ain’t gonna be pokin’ no buttholes when I’m packin’. Just your standard .50 cal Browning mounted machine gun emplacement in the back of my ’97 Dodge Ram. Vote for me on November 4th and I will ensure that every Dodge Ram (and some Chevy T-150’s, the ones before they got all exported to the communists) will have the same mobile machine gun emplacement as I do. Making Montana safer for the children, who have it tough already, what with being raped all the time and all.

Computer Stuff

3 Oct

A recent friend of mine, “Fred” has approached me about blogs. He is apparently starting up his own and would like me to spread the word. Well since I’m so influential on the internet I’ll go ahead and give him the bump and post his first post here. Enjoy, and if you like what you see. Check out his website.


Fred Hard Drives

Fred's New Computer


I’ve also been getting many e-mails from people complaining that “if your just going to post other peoples blogs, why don’t you just die!”. Screw you. I’ll post when there is something interesting in this god forsaken world to post about.

Hi its Pat

30 Sep

Hi it’s Pat, Pat Murphy. I’m gonna to be comin down in here once a while to be talkin bout some of the things I find important in this world and like as well as in my head that I think of and get fascinated about . I don’t know how i got involved with the UTG nor do I question why, It’s the reality of the situation that I am absorbed in something i have no control of, nor can i comprehend the UTG, infinity is hard to grasp. Some of the things I like are: My mom, my Dad, cars, siamese twins, the letter “J”, being alone in my room, george clooney, rubberband guns, my five-banded gliding lizards collection from thiland that my aunt jenny got me 2 months ago, and probably you too friend!. Though i must say i’v a vivid man who is constatntly evolving in his tastes and interests, see i’m a meditator my sister knows some exercises and taught me this stuff and now i spend 10 to 90 minutes a day sitting alone counting my breaths and thinking bout china and i usually feel the b uddhas fingers up and down my spine after and let me tell you its electric and fun and sexy! I do find the buddha attractive though i’m not gay, and i get new thoughts for writing things that i think need to be heard by people and i also broaden my horizons toward vast seas of starfish of ideas, that is what my sister said. I’m38 years old and live in Iowa with my girlfriend Venessa and her boyfriend Kyle. I work for Conrad Industries as a Communications Advisor to the Energy Advisor of the Utiliites Advisor. It’s a boring job to tell you the truth so i’ve started writing stories and coming up with ideas and we live in a democracy so we should all be heard i think so i think my ideas might fill you up on who i am and why i do what i do. This is all for now but i have more later to tune in to!

Cheers Folks! – Pat

Inaugural Cesspool Skinny Dip

26 Sep



It is my unfortunate misfortune to join the Urban Toledo Gang as a correspondent to the online world. You could say I’m a bridge but it would be inappropriate and I would ask you to leave if we were at a nice cocktail party. Let’s keep this introduction simple. I don’t want to be here and you don’t want to see me here. So in my first fit of rage, here is an article from mi amigo Stewart Jole’s blog from across the pond.


Vladmir’s American Insult Guide to Foreigns

25 Sep

You are to be living in the Americas? Vlad is here and to be of helping you and knows of the best way to get into the culture of American’s and their mindset of Abercrombie, cell phones and technology internets. Listen to be what is said, and enjoy how is what is printed for you! Get ready for Vladmir’s American Insult Guide to Foreigns.

I have of being living in Americas for now at least or most for 16 months, perhaps, and have learned many things when talking to American boys, girls and others. The most main first rule is needed to be of knowledge to you and it is this; cruelty is, of course, the one to have the most of. Simply of putting it is this; the more mean that one can be to another, the more funny that the American recipient and other pieces of crowd people will have.

Powerful and happy man makes friend to have

Powerful and happy man makes friend to have

Steps 1: Setup

The situations are a party is of happening and no one is of laughing nature! What do to? Insult of American style and watches the face smiles. You first have to take deep, relax breaths and then looking into eye or eyes of American-minded recipient and make say the following:
“Hello stranger. You looks like you have not shower today. The bugs of this room seem to enjoy your body and mouth and face to reproduce upon.”

Now look about room and watch smiles happen on all faces, even that of American-minded recipient. You are now party of life and currently ready for steps 2.

Steps 2: Follow Up

You are now of established the party life and new, current “American Jokesetter” and have expectations of all the crowd pieces. Now that the recipient is on toes, you must now give him “straight to heart” insult. (note: be of carefully on steps 2 because of American sensitive, punching and/or spitting is normal and is

Face and Body of American Recipient

Face and Body of American Recipient

accepting in Americas.) Look him in the face and repeat:

“Where is you live now? Is it must be a box or perhaps a place that is unsatisfactory for high standards with a foul smelling of you.” You my now turn and face the crowd pieces and statement of loudly, “Is to be living is a box, he is!” Point toward original American-minded recipient and makes laughs and of smiling of mouth. The crowd pieces begin to hitting hands together and make cheer for you. After hoisting and copulation, you may take advantages of many of American luxury.

Steps 3: Hitting

At point of this, you are now king or princes of party and happy with the current crowd pieces and must finish the American insult to be completion. In silence and soviernty, you must of approaching man and with might, force and intention, contact at a fast and a forcefully with your closed, hard hand, touch his face. Break his face will occur and make cheer for from the crowd pieces of you to finish the American insult. Separates American recipient head from neck is to happen and now you are for completion!

Successful American-minded Insult

Successful American-minded Insult

Now is knowledge and ability to have now for you. Use Vladmir’s American Insult Guide to Foreigns to complete and perfect integrate to American mindset, ideals and happy. Remember: American insult is strong and necessary for Foreigns to have make fun times in Americas.