I was just checking out Portland the other day and thought I would go into this comedy club and whoa I did. I don’t remember what it was called but it had some doors and shit in the entry and there were these people sitting around drinking PBR and sucking on each other’s thumbs. They stopped right after I got in there, I guess it was part of the act that was on stage.
His name was Billy Grubs (or Grubbs, he never spelled it, just ended every joke with “My name is Billy Grubs”), and he was a hoot. I tried to find some stuff on YourTube with him, but could only find stuff about meal worms and shit. Anyway, there was one joke he did I really liked so I thought I would share it with you all. It loses a little in the telling, you had to be there. Still, it isn’t bad. I’m just going to bracket the whole thing in quotes, and not tell you when there was laughter, because there was a lot.
“You guys know these self-help gurus? What a load of shit, am I right? My name is Billy Grubs. I went to the bookstore the other day because I really need to get my life in order. My wife wants to leave me, but I tied her up in the basement so she can’t do that, right? Haha, no seriously my name is BIlly Grubs. Anyway, I picked up like two dozen books. They all have the same sounding titles, like Get your life together, one step at a time, and What your life can be like, once you get it together, one step at a time, and My name is Billy Grubs. Kidding about that last one folks.
“Anyway, I started flipping through them all, trying to get my life together. They all have the same advice, and I think it’s pretty true. They say you have to break down every task into as small a thing as possible. I said, ‘That’s what she said, my name is Billy Grubs.’ Am I right? Seriously, Grubs, Billy Grubs. Hahaha. Anyway, for example, you don’t just ‘Clean the house,’ you break it down to ‘Vacume the house’ and then you vacume by ‘get the vacume out of the closet,’ ‘plug the vacume in’ etc. This helps you manage everything, right.
“So I thought, why not do this for my act? You know? Why don’t you guys help me get my life together, or at least watch me do it, right? Come, on it will be fun! You guys just follow me out the door.”
We followed him out the door of the club, and were standing around the street now.
“So, we need to hail some cabs!”
“We need to go to Kitchen Kaboodle!”
“We need to buy some of these knives, I’m buying guys.”
There must have been about fifty or so people in the Kitchen Kaboodle, and we all bought knives. The store was clean out of knives. Actually, that’s what he said, “My name is Billy Grubs and Kitchen Kaboodle is out of fucking knives, motherfuckers.”
“So we have knives, now what, right? Well this is my life, and I’m breaking everything down for you.
“We’re going to go to the grocery store now, and by some goddamn vegetables. Doesn’t matter what kind, otherwise I’d break it down even more.”
We went to Whole Foods and even tho I won’t shop there, I went in anyway. I let everyone else pick out all manner of cuccumbers, melons, tomatos, oranges. (No one seemed to realize that most of these are fruits. Billy Grubs didn’t care.)
“I’m buying these cunt vegetables!” (Billy Grubs was getting more and more vulgar as we went along in the night, I think he had been drinking.) “Get in line, and save the receipts, you pricks.”
So we all saved our receipts.
“Hail another cab! And we’re going up to Killingsworth, at around 42nd.”
So we got in our cabs and headed up there. We got out and Billy Grubs was yelling at a couple drunks. I couldn’t really understand any of it, except “My name is Billy Grubs,” and then he gave them some knives and vegetables he had.
“All right everyone, take a shit. This is your last chance.”
Billy Grubs just pooped right there next to the sidewalk, and a few people went into the bushes. Most of us just skipped this step and hoped it didn’t hurt his chances of turning his life around.
We followed him up to a house, and he knocked on the door. “You guys can lose the vegetables, just keep the receipts. We may need those as evidence.” This guy answered the door, “Billy?” he said. “What are you doing here?”
“Get your knives ready, guys! We all bought these knives for cutting our dinner vegetables, right?”
Billy lunged on the guy, and started stabbing him a bunch.
“Come on, stab, you cocksuckers! My name is Billy Grubs!”
It was a bloody mess. Whoops. What have I done?