Urban Toledo Gang

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Tony Danza for God

My name is Tony Centura, and a fellow Tony, Tony Danza,  has been a special mentor for me for quite some time now. I’ll always remember my Senior year at Cadbury Highschool East Central Fighting Badgers Memorial for many fun times, but the highlight was probably when Tony Danza came and gave an outstanding and incredibly moving motivational speech. Tony talked shop for a few hours on a variety of subjects. He opened up about his battles with cocaine addiction in 1986 while down in miami working on the short-lived soap opera Trinity Winds: Paradise Beach, and he showed us all the path for success is abstinence from drug abuse and gambling. He had a lighthearted charm that captivated throughout though, and he worked the crowd up with many funny impressions including a great bugs bunny “whats up doc” that even gave principal Pinecrust a chuckle.. He lamented about the importance of diet and exercise and showed us some awesome tricks like backflips and frog spirals, sometimes coming up to 12 feet off the air. It was awesome! But most important of all was his talk of following the right path through the maze of success, and how to put your dreams into action. He made me realize that with enough persistance and gung-ho, anyone can strike it rich and become a success. As Tony ended the speech I ran down to meet him personally and tell him how much he had inspired me. He shook my hand with the beaming energy of Zeus and told me he was glad I liked what he said and gave me a card with his website on it, then he held his big bear paw up for a high five and as our hands collided he transfered such a high voltage zap of zest into my system that my brain seemed to have an explosion and I fainted. My head hit the floor and my neck snapped slightly to the left, putting me into a coma for 7 months. When I awoke and learned to read again, I found that Tony’s big heart wrote me a personal note of inspiration in my hard times, stating “sorry bud, hope you get better soon, dare to dream, dream daring dreams, your friend Tony Danza”.  Even though the coma had confused me deeply, I slowly put my life together and realized Tony Showed me true power and it was a sign I need to become stronger. The fall had left me hunchbacked and my neck stuck out in a greusome fashion to the left, but i tried to just persevere and follow my dream to make it to hollwood and become a celebrity actor. I moved to hollywood once i learned how to walk, and I have never looked back. It was hard at first, but after a few years of doing small commercials for Magic Shops and Circuses, I was noticed by heralded horror director Mikaleli Mikaloo, and I was cast as a GremlinTroll in his newest epic “SandShatterer of the Underbeast” . My disfigured neck worked perfectly to cover the audience with a dense fear, and i was cast in many monster and villain parts after “Shatterer”. I’ve been trying to get ahold of Tony Danza for many years now to thank him for changing my life. I’ve been following all his movies and shows and interviews and with meticulous detail analyzing him and gleaning off the wisdom he seems to excert effortlessly. For the last 5 years he has not replied to any of my thousands of emails and I’ve been a bit worried he is ignoring me, but i know he’s really just busy and we are fated to meet again. Anyways, this is my story and to keep up on the latest tony info, gossip, pictures, videos, and paintings ( painted by me Tony Centura) check out TonyonTony.org           I hope you’ll join me in celebrating this modern marvel.

after

before

New Apple computers came out yesterday and that means the floodgates have opened for all the nerds, fanboys, and media hungry businessmen to give up their shout-outs to all their homeboys. what WHAT! While the next consumer reaches out for that latest morsel of shiny goodness, apple stands ever ready behind them for the perfect angle of entry. What makes apple respectable is not their business practices, but the way they know how to navigate an economy that loves to buy things it can’t afford. HURAY! I asked my good friend Zach Klyde to fill us in on what makes this latest offering so special

sick

WHAT WHAT! Hey what’s up Zach here! No so what’s up with yall! Nah, I’m just trashin’! I picked up one of these new macbooks today because I just got the lowdown that apple was going to release some new machines next week. I’ve got the inside scoop for everyone BEFORE it hits! 

First of all. These new machines look like a masterpiece waiting to happen. The all black screen is great and always popular and now the Lacquer queen has shown us some much needed love with enhanced lacquer shine to increase that depth! I challenge anyone to tell me that screen doesn’t look DEEP as SHIT! It’s also nice because I had an accident and it cleaned off nice and quick. I was checking out the underside of the machine when Tom Johnson walked into the store. That guy is a douche so I quickly dropped below the counter so as to he

That's me in secret ops.

 wouldn’t sense my presence. I could tell he was looking for the new computers and since I’m Zach I couldn’t let him have it. I immediately threw the laptop at Tom’s back and it wicked slammed into the back of his head. What a crazy shot! He dropped like a pack of sardines onto a pizza. I came over and spread the sauce. Of course the apple nerds wouldn’t like it so they kicked me out. They suck anyways. I decided to head over to a local chill, the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. They have this contraption there where you can put your cone under a nozzle that looks like a dick

sweet apple wallpaper

and make your own ice cream cones. Usually I can just put some ice cream in my had and walk away but they had a new manager there so I stopped and starred at him. I could tell he knew what I was going to do and I also saw my pictured on the wall behind him so I quickly filled up my hand with some “Hefty Chowder Blueberry Blast” and then chucked it at the guy. It was crazy hilarious as it splattered all over his face like a cream pie. I came over and spread the cream. The mall cops were on a power trip and kicked me out but not after I gave them my first amendment right! Whatever, that’s bull-shit. There was one last stop I had to make before my day was done. Starbucks. I knew this place was popular among the mac nerds so I decided to try and spread my knowledge with them. I entered the store. The lady at the register asked if I wanted anything and gave her this pretty hot “What do you think” kinda look that basically told her I wanted a Grande iced mocha with no whip. I grabe a chair, spun it around and immediately sat down next to a pretty hot chick. I told her “What’s the word on Mac.” She was into it. I could tell because she was starting to sweat. I then reached over and grabbed her leg and asked again. “What’s the word baby.” She looked right back at me and said “Why don’t you look down and find out for yourself.” I looked down and saw it. One of the new mac laptops.

Zach sig carry me out!

sweet

Thanks Zach.

Me and Megan

Jason,

It’s dad.  I don’t supposed you’d be able to give me a hand here.  See, darngonitall computer has been acting up again.  I don’t even know why I bother with these things.  Things were a whole lot easier without them.

I was trying to get on that internet thing to try and find some information about those gloves I was telling you about the other day.  Seeing if I might be able to order some of them for your sister’s birthday coming up here.  I checked Wal-Mart and K-Mart and all them places, but those buggers are hard to find.  But your mother was saying how Megan got her last pair from that Amazon company on the internet site and I should just order some from there.  Of course, the last thing I need is to start getting

Also, let me know if you find these on sale anywhere

them WWW hackers and identity thefts getting all my credit card and social security information, so I thought I’d try to find a phone number or address on the site where I could talk to a real life person about them gloves and how much they cost and all.

Well, as soon as I touched that little world with the magnifying glass button with the ol’ clicker, it started acting funny.  It was making lots of noises like when that Betsy dog had gotten into that pen and threw up 13 of Megan’s baby rabbits while we were all eating chili dogs, only mix that with one of them police sirens you hear on Bourne Identity when he’s in Europe.  Finally it brought up that internet box, but it was going really slow like, so I blew into that slot where Mom puts the disk that has the Christmas letter template on it.  It seemed to be working a bit better after that.

Next thing I know, some girl shows up and has got this enormous breasts while there’s some black guy sticking his thinger in her butt and a Mexican putting his thinger in her mouth, and she keeps wanting to cough it back up.  I thought dangnabbit, I’ve caught one of them hacker viruses.  Well, I didn’t know how to get rid of the dang thing.  I started clicking on this and that and just more pictures of these girls with them black guys keep showing up all over the place.

Anyway, I managed to get rid of most of them just by clickering them away, but now I’ve got a bunch of the warning flag things, and the clicker’s not working anymore, and there ain’t no hourglass or nothing.  So, if you could take a look at this here screen and let me know how to get rid of this mess I’ll take you out to Applebees or something.  But try to be quick before your mother gets back from the grocery store, because I’ll be in a heck of trouble if she sees them penises and vaginas all over her fancy computer setup.

When you call me, you’ll have to call me on your mother’s cell phone, because the house phone is still being used by that internet hookup or whatever you call that, and I can’t get it off.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Love, Dad.

Hi,

What up guys.  Cole, here.  I was just listening to New Kids on the Block – don’t worry, it’s the old stuff…the new album is too popular now to be hip to listen to, although probably just as bad, which means it’s awesome.  But as long as I’m here, I thought I’d transcribe some of the pages from my My Little Pony notebook you always see me scribbling in.  Ah, here’s an entry of the review I made last fall of the movie Eagle Vs. Shark I wrote at the Wendy’s across from the mall while looking at fat kids:

EAGLE VS. SHARK – Movie was great.  People in 80s clothes = awesome!  Windbreakers=hilarious (remember to buy some from Goodwill later).  Guy from Flight of the Conchords (not the one I’m bi for, the other guy).  Sometimes it didn’t make sense, which is trippy awesome.  Didn’t know the director, so that’s good.  Soundtrack had weird music, it was amazing…i felt like dying.  Didn’t know the bands, except Devendra Banhart (but I don’t like him anymore…too popular.  I heard his CD playing at Borders!)  Funny animation bits that didn’t fit in were great – fuck you corporate America and all the shitty movies that just make money.  Me and Jesse were the only people at the movie, everyone else was in line to see No Country For Suck My Balls Coen Brothers.  Coens are such bullshit fatcats.  I give the movie *.  Yup, *.  I’m not fuck face Ebert trying to get rich by giving my sore ass thumbs up to a shitty movie just because fucking Universal and Fox have their million dollar, Lear jet riding, martini stirring gold plated thumbs so far up my ass that I need to get people in the theater.  Fuck, don’t see EAGLE VS. SHARK.  I gave it *, bitch.  Fuck that, 1/4 star.  Don’t see this movie and turn another cinema artist into a Wes “May-As-Well-Be-Bruckheimer-I-Got-So-Much-Money” Anderson!  Before you kow it, we’ll all be corporate robots working for Empire Ford-Starbucks and watching McDonald-Paramount pictures that are all the same with Hallie Berry and Will Ferrell starring in romantic comedies about lovers fight space aliens and sucking Bush’s dick.  Fuck this review, I’m going to Buffalo Exchange and buying a pink t-shirt because I’m not letting society dictate to me that pink is for girls.

Yeah.  I was going through some hard times back then.  Luckily Lex at AlteredNatives Music got me into some Icelandic music that was recorded in bathroom stalls like 30 years ago and then remixed last year by some Europop dudes and accompanied by an orchestra.  It pretty much saved my life because it was so beautiful.  Well, gotta run…me and my vegan girlfriend are going to make buttons that support Ron Paul for president because it is so ironically hilarious.

Hi, My names Ted McMulbock and I represent my client, John Waters Esp. Jim Fox is gay. How do I know this, Becuase John Waters gave him an EXCELENT hand job behind the Squirtin’ Irish Pub last week AND HE LIKED IT! Elect John Waters and he’ll make sure Jim Fox doesn’t get elected. Also, You can put wood all over your poster Jim but it ain’t going to make US get wood. HA! LOL!

John Waters Campaign Poster. He is better than Jim Fox at everything.

You know who to vote for.