Dear Stockholder and Respected Customer of Stephen King’s Olde Garden Worlde and Home Sympousioume (SKOGWHS),
For those of you who do not know me, allow me to introduce myself. I am the new CEO. My name is Jack McDougal, and I am here to take SKOGWHS into the next decade of prosperity. Yes, it is true that I was court appointed, but don’t let that color your judgement of my work or me.
As my first order of business, I will address some of the public relations blunders of my predecessor, and ways in which they are being remedied.
- All animal shaped shrubberies are discontinued until further notice. While the spontaneous movement and life of the smaller items was never really a problem, the Lazy Lion (TM), Eloquent Elephant (TM), and Chimp on Xanax(TM) were the cause of considerable alarm with in the company, and the source of greatest loss of revenue after several, arguably frivolous, class-action lawsuits.
- Similarly, Stephen King’s Garden Maze with Water Feature (TM) has been put on hiatus while design flaws are fixed. Currently, there has been threat of lawsuit over key features, which attract unsavory characters and invite homeless men with axes to wander, lost for days, on customer’s properties.
- All elevators, elevator shafts, stairwells, dumbwaiters, and hallway designs and hardware are now tested for water resistance and proper ventilation and drainage, to ensure reservoirs of blood do not collect, leading to possible drownings and washouts when the blood pools become full. Along these same lines, all carpet is now treated with Scotch Guard (TM) to prevent staining when blood collect does occur.
- Furniture now comes with a warning, stating its intended use, and the correct orientation of its legs. This is the comply with settlement 6V-789324 in the California State Supreme Court over the possible misuse of said furniture and its tendency to reorganize rooms spontaneously, sometimes resulting in the furniture being nailed to the ceiling, which in turn often results in disorientation for the customer.
- All stakes have been given rounded tips. Studies have suggested that this small design change will cause minimal annoyance or change in the habits of most of our customers, while increasing the comfort level in our Transylvania customers in the purchasing of stakes. Global markets are important, no matter how small (TM)!
- Buckets with Pig Guts (TM) will now contain 100% pig guts, rather than the Animal Entrails Mix (Patent Pending) it was before. Also, this item will be kept in the locked case, alongside spray paint and ammunition, to prevent shrink as well as the sale to minors of items that may be used in vandalism.
It is my hope that these small, yet important, changes will have an impact on our image as a company and help us to continue to thrive in the years to come.
This is your CEO saying, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!”
Sincerely,
Jack McDougal
CEO
Stephen King’s Olde Garden Worlde and Home Sympousioume
Tags: apologies, Carrie, CEO, Home and Garden, PR blunders, Stephen King