Author Archives
15
Oct 08
I could use some help here, son.
Me and Megan
Jason,
It’s dad. I don’t supposed you’d be able to give me a hand here. See, darngonitall computer has been acting up again. I don’t even know why I bother with these things. Things were a whole lot easier without them.
I was trying to get on that internet thing to try and find some information about those gloves I was telling you about the other day. Seeing if I might be able to order some of them for your sister’s birthday coming up here. I checked Wal-Mart and K-Mart and all them places, but those buggers are hard to find. But your mother was saying how Megan got her last pair from that Amazon company on the internet site and I should just order some from there. Of course, the last thing I need is to start getting
Also, let me know if you find these on sale anywhere
them WWW hackers and identity thefts getting all my credit card and social security information, so I thought I’d try to find a phone number or address on the site where I could talk to a real life person about them gloves and how much they cost and all.
Well, as soon as I touched that little world with the magnifying glass button with the ol’ clicker, it started acting funny. It was making lots of noises like when that Betsy dog had gotten into that pen and threw up 13 of Megan’s baby rabbits while we were all eating chili dogs, only mix that with one of them police sirens you hear on Bourne Identity when he’s in Europe. Finally it brought up that internet box, but it was going really slow like, so I blew into that slot where Mom puts the disk that has the Christmas letter template on it. It seemed to be working a bit better after that.
Next thing I know, some girl shows up and has got this enormous breasts while there’s some black guy sticking his thinger in her butt and a Mexican putting his thinger in her mouth, and she keeps wanting to cough it back up. I thought dangnabbit, I’ve caught one of them hacker viruses. Well, I didn’t know how to get rid of the dang thing. I started clicking on this and that and just more pictures of these girls with them black guys keep showing up all over the place.
Anyway, I managed to get rid of most of them just by clickering them away, but now I’ve got a bunch of the warning flag things, and the clicker’s not working anymore, and there ain’t no hourglass or nothing. So, if you could take a look at this here screen and let me know how to get rid of this mess I’ll take you out to Applebees or something. But try to be quick before your mother gets back from the grocery store, because I’ll be in a heck of trouble if she sees them penises and vaginas all over her fancy computer setup.
When you call me, you’ll have to call me on your mother’s cell phone, because the house phone is still being used by that internet hookup or whatever you call that, and I can’t get it off. Hope to hear from you soon.
Love, Dad.
9
Oct 08
Indie Hour
Hi,
What up guys. Cole, here. I was just listening to New Kids on the Block – don’t worry, it’s the old stuff…the new album is too popular now to be hip to listen to, although probably just as bad, which means it’s awesome. But as long as I’m here, I thought I’d transcribe some of the pages from my My Little Pony notebook you always see me scribbling in. Ah, here’s an entry of the review I made last fall of the movie Eagle Vs. Shark I wrote at the Wendy’s across from the mall while looking at fat kids:
EAGLE VS. SHARK – Movie was great. People in 80s clothes = awesome! Windbreakers=hilarious (remember to buy some from Goodwill later). Guy from Flight of the Conchords (not the one I’m bi for, the other guy). Sometimes it didn’t make sense, which is trippy awesome. Didn’t know the director, so that’s good. Soundtrack had weird music, it was amazing…i felt like dying. Didn’t know the bands, except Devendra Banhart (but I don’t like him
anymore…too popular. I heard his CD playing at Borders!) Funny animation bits that didn’t fit in were great – fuck you corporate America and all the shitty movies that just make money. Me and Jesse were the only people at the movie, everyone else was in line to see No Country For Suck My Balls Coen Brothers. Coens are such bullshit fatcats. I give the movie *. Yup, *. I’m not fuck face Ebert trying to get rich by giving my sore ass thumbs up to a shitty movie just because fucking Universal and Fox have their million dollar, Lear jet riding, martini stirring gold plated thumbs so far up my ass that I need to get people in the theater. Fuck, don’t see EAGLE VS. SHARK. I gave it *, bitch. Fuck that, 1/4 star. Don’t see this movie and turn another cinema artist into a Wes “May-As-Well-Be-Bruckheimer-I-Got-So-Much-Money” Anderson! Before you kow it, we’ll all be corporate robots working for Empire Ford-Starbucks and watching McDonald-Paramount pictures that are all the same with Hallie Berry and Will Ferrell starring in romantic comedies about lovers fight space aliens and sucking Bush’s dick. Fuck this review, I’m going to Buffalo Exchange and buying a pink t-shirt because I’m not letting society dictate to me that pink is for girls.
Yeah. I was going through some hard times back then. Luckily Lex at AlteredNatives Music got me into some Icelandic music that was recorded in bathroom stalls like 30 years ago and then remixed last year by some Europop dudes and accompanied by an orchestra. It pretty much saved my life because it was so beautiful. Well, gotta run…me and my vegan girlfriend are going to make buttons that support Ron Paul for president because it is so ironically hilarious.