Urban Toledo Gang

A new B’day in lavatory technology!

With patented (pending) technology the Pipe Snipe® begins as soon as you enter the room, greeting the user with a pleasant, “Hello user, shall we begin to defecate shortly?”.  The user then removes his or her clothing and utilizes the Pipe Snipe®’s Pop-a-Squat® seating system to forcefully bend the user’s knees and hip, keeping the back straight while maintaining a efficient sitting posture. With a combination of hitting and sucking, Pipe Snipe® removes the user’s waste and deposits it onto a nearby silver platter where it is weighed and processed for abnormalities. The user is then forced to sift through their feces manually in order to account for the computer’s lack of human emotion that could result in errors overlooking such aspects as shape, size and overall impressiveness of the load. Pipe Snipe® then uploads this information into a personal user profile, compiling data into various forms of charts and graphs which can be used in business meetings or public presentations.

Clean up is a breeze when the deed is done. Pipe Snipe®’s own Anus Tracking System begins by scanning the user’s anus, immediately identifying the user from accessed information off of the database servers. A built-in waterproof camera allows Pipe Snipe® experts to monitor an anus to ensure that user identity is secure and validated. The camera also allows for the tracking and location awareness of an anus, even through movement or sudden change in shape. And with a built in x-ray setting, the camera can see through any obstacles that may find it’s way between the asshole and the camera.

The system then goes to work on cleaning. Two tongs insert shallowly into the anus and gently vibrates it  apart. A snakey, metal rod then sprays a pre-determined amount of water pressure, tempurature, and angle at the user’s colon. The user has the ability to use the Pipe Viewer© (optional) to manually control the rod for a custom clean. A minature blowdryer then blasts dry the user without the need for messy hands and wet clothes. Pipe Snipe® compares the before, during and after scans of the user’s anus during the session and finds the nearest printer on the network and prints out beautiful, high resolution scans for personal viewing.

The anus scans are uploaded into the user’s profile and are then viewable online, all you need to access the now hundreds of thousands of members is a simple name and email address. Subscribe to Pipe Snipe®’s Twitter and RSS feeds to get up-to-date information on your favorite users, compare stats like frequency, consistency and weight. Battle it out with your friends online with several multiplayer games such as King of the Hill: the most amount of weight in a week is crowned. Memory Game: challenge your friends to see who knows who by matching the same buttholes from different times together.  Even control your friend’s Pipe Snipe and earn points by completely cleaning where the poop comes out.

Pipe Snipe® also includes the Automated Nebular Upload System which allows you to network with other Pipe Snipe®s around the world and keep your custom settings. A fully searchable data base allows to user to track his or her stats online and even share with friends. With an integrated Twitter, Facebook, Digg and automatic contact list email update, your friends, family and coworkers are able to follow, and see, what you are doing with the Pipe Snipe and where you’re doing it. Over 2100 locations world-wide means even the most traveled of businessmen feel connected. And now with a newly integrated iPhone app, you can track your friends on the go with up-to-the-minute results sent straight to your iPhone, proudly announcing any new defication goals set by the friends you are following and overriding any previous action to ensure that not a moment is missed. The iPhone also transmits the same data to anyone within the area so they have a frame of reference for when they hear your shouts of astonishment. Astonishment with the new Pipe Snipe®!

Pipe Snipe® is available at all major retailers or order online and receive a free Pipe Viewer© touch tablet so you can see what’s going on down there without having to use cumbersome vanity mirrors. With Pipe Viewer©, the user can take screenshots of the action and uploads them as wallpaper on their website. So go to www.PipeSniper.com and order today! You’re anus will thank you!

Bay on GTA4

The popular online geeky column “Kotaku” reported today that Rockstar is in talks with Micheal Bay to direct the next Grand Theft Auto game. “I believe the line between film and game is beginning to blur.” Bay went on to say that he can easily see video games in movie theaters within the next half decade, “There are so many people who are content enough watching someone play a video game, why not bring that spirit of spectating to the theaters and home video?”. While theater-based video games are still to come, Bay draws comparisons between the two mediums. “Movies are lacking when compared to video games. Games are interactive and more engaging because you feel that you are there, part of the action.”

But according to Kotaku, this is something that has been done before and is only Hollywood’s attempt to break into the now booming video game industry. Jake Pulsner, Editor in Chief at Kotaku says, “There is a growing trend for filmmakers to turn well received video games into blockbusters, but it seems that more times than not they fall flat on their faces” naming Uwe Boll as a poster boy for games’ transitioning failure.”

Grand Theft Auto 4 is one of the best selling video games of all time, selling more copies in pre-orders than Halo 3 made the first 2 years of sales, previously the fastest selling game. The biggest surprise, however was when Bay announced that there will be a movie follow up of the video game he is slated to direct in late 2010. Bay concluded enigmatically by saying, “Let’s just say there be will a lot more action and a lot less worrying about what buttons to push on the controller.”

People have begun speculating at the type of film that would come from Bay who continues pushing the envelope of the Hollywood film with his most recent installment in the Transformers series, the wildly popular summer hit, starring Megan Fox. When asked if the new GTA film would be heavy on the CG Bay simply smiled saying, “We’ll see.”. Jean Reno is rumored to play the part of Niko Bellic’s cousin Roupert Bellic and will feature a fully functional motion capture controller using the PS3′s new camera. The game and film are both slatted for release in Winter 2011.

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Journal Spotted!

Found: Journal

Entry 1

I sat down on the B-115 training heading home from work yesterday andlooked to my right to see a lone journal sitting in an empty seat beside me. After a few station stops it was obvious that someone had left it behind and was no longer around. Being the good Samaritan that I am, I picked it up and looked in the front cover to see if there was any information as to the owner’s whereabouts. Not seeing any, I flipped through the pages hoping to find clues but found a series of internal thoughts written within.

A few notes:

The act of pulling down one’s pants and pretending you are masturbating behind closed doors as someone is coming into the room seems just like masturbating to the untrained eye. Perhaps a more subtle approach such as making masturbating sounds with one’s pants up could be a better one. Perhaps this joke may be lost on most people but I need a way to do this effectively.

Dogs. Barking at a dog will quiet it down and confuse it. Growling and showing one’s teeth to a puppy will make it cower. Playing with a dog and rough-housing will make the dog want to play. Sticking your nose in a dog’s anus will simply startle it.

If I had a gun to my head and I had to have sex with one of the members with the Star Trek Enterprise I guess it would be Data and Worf because while Data lacks any real passion that Worf might exhibit, I really do think he’s a little puppy robot deep down inside. I’ll tell you this though: I wouldn’t touch that parrot nose Pickard with a 10 foot pole unless he coughed up some dough.

A girl looked at me today and all I could do was act like I got something in my eye and start to cry. I felt so much pressure and the only thing I could think of doing was making her feel sorry for me so she would kiss me on the lips or something. I ended up stumbling into her and breaking her ankle, the bone was all sticking out and she was screaming and all I could say was, “C-could I, uh, get your, you know, number?” and she blew me off like I was nothing. I’m tired of girls ignoring me!

I hooked my gamecube up to my dad’s tv in the basement with all the stuffed animals and when I went to play Mario Sunshine I switched the TV to input and a dusty old porn starring my dad and my mom from the 80′s was playing and my dad had a big mustache and was kind of grunting like a pygmy and it looked like my mom was completely asleep and unaware of what was happening to her girl parts. The reason I didn’t turn it off right away was because in the background I saw me standing there looking at the scene being videotaped. I had no previous recollection of this event and now it’s all I see when I close my eyes.

Today was a good day. I shaved my facial hair into a really cool soulpatch and right after that I saw up a girl’s skirt. This was seriously the best day ever!

Well well well. It seems that Colin, that guy that all the girls just love is up to his old tactics again. I was eating my lunch minding my own business when Colin, or Colon as I call him when he’s not in the same room as me, comes up from behind and messes up my hair, “What’s up faggot?” he bellows. Surely he was not referring to me so I ignore him and concentrate on my meal. Next thing I know his penis is next to my face and he’s waving it around like it’s the piñata stick at an odd adult-themed birthday party. I continue to ignore him while he hoots and hollars, pretending that his penis is getting out of control and yelling, “Watch out, I can’t control it! Watch OUT!” I go to take a bite out of my custom made sandwich when he uses his penis to knock it out of my mouth mid-bite. This frustrates me so much that I began chomping towards Colon’s dick hoping to get a good enough hold of it so he would get the message. Meanwhile, Colon is holding his dick in one hand, waving it all over my face while the other hand makes lasso circles in the air above his head yelling, “Yahoo, ride ‘em cowboy!”. Across the room several of my (cute) female coworkers are looking in horror, some of them using their cellphones to record the whole fiasco and upload it to YouTube where my parents and girls I like will see it no doubt. I’m sick of you people putting those videos up! Needless to say Colon got away intact and I was left with my dick-slapped sandwich but the joke’s on him because I anticipated this and loaded the sucker full of spicy Dijon mustard so I’m sure his reign of terror is over.I saw that stupid video of Colon, the sandwich and me on YouTube’s featured page today.

30,000 views guys? Really? Come on!

There is certainly more in the journal, but there was a lot of entries and to be honest it was a pretty hard read to get through so when the time is right I’ll add some more.