Author Archives
17
Apr 09
Found: Journal
Journal Spotted!
Found: Journal
Entry 1
I sat down on the B-115 training heading home from work yesterday andlooked to my right to see a lone journal sitting in an empty seat beside me. After a few station stops it was obvious that someone had left it behind and was no longer around. Being the good Samaritan that I am, I picked it up and looked in the front cover to see if there was any information as to the owner’s whereabouts. Not seeing any, I flipped through the pages hoping to find clues but found a series of internal thoughts written within.
A few notes:
The act of pulling down one’s pants and pretending you are masturbating behind closed doors as someone is coming into the room seems just like masturbating to the untrained eye. Perhaps a more subtle approach such as making masturbating sounds with one’s pants up could be a better one. Perhaps this joke may be lost on most people but I need a way to do this effectively.
Dogs. Barking at a dog will quiet it down and confuse it. Growling and showing one’s teeth to a puppy will make it cower. Playing with a dog and rough-housing will make the dog want to play. Sticking your nose in a dog’s anus will simply startle it.
If I had a gun to my head and I had to have sex with one of the members with the Star Trek Enterprise I guess it would be Data and Worf because while Data lacks any real passion that Worf might exhibit, I really do think he’s a little puppy robot deep down inside. I’ll tell you this though: I wouldn’t touch that parrot nose Pickard with a 10 foot pole unless he coughed up some dough.
A girl looked at me today and all I could do was act like I got something in my eye and start to cry. I felt so much pressure and the only thing I could think of doing was making her feel sorry for me so she would kiss me on the lips or something. I ended up stumbling into her and breaking her ankle, the bone was all sticking out and she was screaming and all I could say was, “C-could I, uh, get your, you know, number?” and she blew me off like I was nothing. I’m tired of girls ignoring me!
I hooked my gamecube up to my dad’s tv in the basement with all the stuffed animals and when I went to play Mario Sunshine I switched the TV to input and a dusty old porn starring my dad and my mom from the 80′s was playing and my dad had a big mustache and was kind of grunting like a pygmy and it looked like my mom was completely asleep and unaware of what was happening to her girl parts. The reason I didn’t turn it off right away was because in the background I saw me standing there looking at the scene being videotaped. I had no previous recollection of this event and now it’s all I see when I close my eyes.
Today was a good day. I shaved my facial hair into a really cool soulpatch and right after that I saw up a girl’s skirt. This was seriously the best day ever!
Well well well. It seems that Colin, that guy that all the girls just love is up to his old tactics again. I was eating my lunch minding my own business when Colin, or Colon as I call him when he’s not in the same room as me, comes up from behind and messes up my hair, “What’s up faggot?” he bellows. Surely he was not referring to me so I ignore him and concentrate on my meal. Next thing I know his penis is next to my face and he’s waving it around like it’s the piñata stick at an odd adult-themed birthday party. I continue to ignore him while he hoots and hollars, pretending that his penis is getting out of control and yelling, “Watch out, I can’t control it! Watch OUT!” I go to take a bite out of my custom made sandwich when he uses his penis to knock it out of my mouth mid-bite. This frustrates me so much that I began chomping towards Colon’s dick hoping to get a good enough hold of it so he would get the message. Meanwhile, Colon is holding his dick in one hand, waving it all over my face while the other hand makes lasso circles in the air above his head yelling, “Yahoo, ride ‘em cowboy!”. Across the room several of my (cute) female coworkers are looking in horror, some of them using their cellphones to record the whole fiasco and upload it to YouTube where my parents and girls I like will see it no doubt. I’m sick of you people putting those videos up! Needless to say Colon got away intact and I was left with my dick-slapped sandwich but the joke’s on him because I anticipated this and loaded the sucker full of spicy Dijon mustard so I’m sure his reign of terror is over.I saw that stupid video of Colon, the sandwich and me on YouTube’s featured page today.
30,000 views guys? Really? Come on!
There is certainly more in the journal, but there was a lot of entries and to be honest it was a pretty hard read to get through so when the time is right I’ll add some more.
1
Apr 09
Little Blue Pill
Even Kings Consult Our Site!
Sure, sure, we know what you’re probably thinking; “If you get kings to visit your site, why would you want my business?”, and that’s exactly why we want you, because you ask the right questions. I’ll be honest with you, now I don’t tell everyone this, in fact you’re the first, but I want you to know that we have a special deal going on that I’m not supposed to tell pe- no, no, I shouldn’t…well, you have an real man’s face, you know, a face I feel will keep the right information in the right place. Alright, I’ll tell you the deal, but you have to do something for me first. Just sign on this line. Pretty much what this boring document that you don’t want to waste your time reading says is that you just agree to certain guidelines on the document, lame legal stuff if you ask me so…there we go.
Ok, now this is going to sound weird but, you know what the penis is right? Ok, now imagine the inside with all of its vein and capillaries and whatnots and imagine blood going through it but the blood is really weak and doesn’t flow if you know what I mean. Now, look at this pill in my hand here. Now what this little blue wonder does is make those veins and insides and stuff in your man parts open up like, like flood gate size so blood is going in and out like a 24 hour diner on 8th Street, you know? Now, imagine your wife, you got a wife? Girlfriend? Now imagine her looking at this busy intersection and watching her eyes light up brighter than a birthday cake for Hugh Hefner on Christmas. It’s that big. I’m saying Godzilla would be jealous, shoot, Mothra would be green with envy. Now I’m not saying anything; you seem like a guy who’s got it going on, but who doesn’t need a boost from time to time? You think Obama conquered America by himself? Nah, I guarantee that he had one of these blue bad-boys in his suit jacket at all times, guarantee it, my friend.
Now, with the way that these things have been going around here, it’s hard to sell just one pack, a pack being about 48 sessions with the lady. No, one pack isn’t enough for a guy with the pizzazz of, now this was my first thought, looked like a young Brad Pitt. I’m not talking Meet Joe Black or even 12 Monkeys B.P., no, I’m talking A River Runs Through It Pittster. So what’s a guy going to do when he’s got the looks and charisma of Brad Pitt? Now this is the deal that I was telling you about: He gets the box. Right off the bat I’m not going to lie to you and I’ll say a box is 1200 sessions but let me just break that down for you real quick. Let’s say that you get going on a bi-nightly basis; you’re a busy guy, sometimes you just got some other stuff going on. So, bi-nightly. Now you’re already at 182.5 days in the first year alone, so that’s good. And you have to take into account that charisma I mentioned earlier. So you can mark up 4 weekends on top of that year and that’s 8 more. So now you’re sitting at 10 shy of 200 which is no small beans by any means.
Looking at your face now I can hear the question coming: “Can’t I handle this on my own?”, and sure, the answer is yes, but it’s the difference between a robot making love to 50 women and then turning around and making 50 Ford Taurus’ and then going onto 50 more women without so much as a break and you making love to 50 women and then sleeping for 50 hours, you know? I’m not saying anything to your performance, but that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s one thing to give your lady-friend a decent hand shake from time to time, sure, but it’s another thing to start playing a patty-cake game that ends in a climax that’ll knock both your socks off, if you know what I mean, my friend. I’m sure you’ve seen TV from time to time, who hasn’t, and I’m sure you’ve seen the ads that have all the warnings and scare tactics and whos-whats-its, but all of that is just sprinkling for the cake, frosting on the pizza, legs for the table; things you don’t need, but it’s sure darn good to have them. And why shouldn’t you? I’m sure you’ve been a man for most your life and it’s far from me to tell you how to live it, but I do know that 95% of men prefer to get down to business and really dive into a project like the one I’m presenting to you now.
Look, here’s something that I can offer you that I know you wouldn’t get off of a site or late night infomercials is a chance to try it right here and now. That’s what I’m offering to you now. Pop one of these pills, we’ll just jump into the alley over there and you can try the ol’ “blue rocket” out on good ol’ Jimmy here. There’s no pressure – no “hidden fees” of sorts – just your back-to-the-old-days try it before you buy it. My dad was the same way and his dad before him. So you can just lean on my trust I’ll take you all the way. Also, you can give me a reach around if you want.