Urban Toledo Gang

Dear Stockholder and Respected Customer of Stephen King’s Olde Garden Worlde and Home Sympousioume (SKOGWHS),

For those of you who do not know me, allow me to introduce myself.  I am the new CEO.  My name is Jack McDougal, and I am here to take SKOGWHS into the next decade of prosperity.  Yes, it is true that I was court appointed, but don’t let that color your judgement of my work or me.

As my first order of business, I will address some of the public relations blunders of my predecessor, and ways in which they are being remedied.

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Lorenzo here reporting from the field. I attended what is known as the “Nerd” expo here in LA and I’ve got the scoop on all the hot titles and gear that will be gracing your greasy covered tv’s the next couple of years. Strap on your strap-ons Wii Motes and prepare to be disabled by these explosive photos.

Feliz and myself parked and made our way into the main entrance of the show. Packs of roaming programmers dotted the vast expanse laid out before us. After looking aimlessly around for a way into the building we found what appeared to be the grand entrance.

This is E3

Click to read on for the entire Journey…

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Michael Bay has had a long and storied career in the film industry. His films like Pearl Harbor and The Island are among his finest works. While in search of Michael Bay memorabealia to purchase for my home, I stumbled upon his official Twitter blog. It is interesting to say the least, and perhaps, tells us a little more about this Stoic film genius.

Michael is just like you and me.

Journal Spotted!

Found: Journal

Entry 1

I sat down on the B-115 training heading home from work yesterday andlooked to my right to see a lone journal sitting in an empty seat beside me. After a few station stops it was obvious that someone had left it behind and was no longer around. Being the good Samaritan that I am, I picked it up and looked in the front cover to see if there was any information as to the owner’s whereabouts. Not seeing any, I flipped through the pages hoping to find clues but found a series of internal thoughts written within.

A few notes:

The act of pulling down one’s pants and pretending you are masturbating behind closed doors as someone is coming into the room seems just like masturbating to the untrained eye. Perhaps a more subtle approach such as making masturbating sounds with one’s pants up could be a better one. Perhaps this joke may be lost on most people but I need a way to do this effectively.

Dogs. Barking at a dog will quiet it down and confuse it. Growling and showing one’s teeth to a puppy will make it cower. Playing with a dog and rough-housing will make the dog want to play. Sticking your nose in a dog’s anus will simply startle it.

If I had a gun to my head and I had to have sex with one of the members with the Star Trek Enterprise I guess it would be Data and Worf because while Data lacks any real passion that Worf might exhibit, I really do think he’s a little puppy robot deep down inside. I’ll tell you this though: I wouldn’t touch that parrot nose Pickard with a 10 foot pole unless he coughed up some dough.

A girl looked at me today and all I could do was act like I got something in my eye and start to cry. I felt so much pressure and the only thing I could think of doing was making her feel sorry for me so she would kiss me on the lips or something. I ended up stumbling into her and breaking her ankle, the bone was all sticking out and she was screaming and all I could say was, “C-could I, uh, get your, you know, number?” and she blew me off like I was nothing. I’m tired of girls ignoring me!

I hooked my gamecube up to my dad’s tv in the basement with all the stuffed animals and when I went to play Mario Sunshine I switched the TV to input and a dusty old porn starring my dad and my mom from the 80′s was playing and my dad had a big mustache and was kind of grunting like a pygmy and it looked like my mom was completely asleep and unaware of what was happening to her girl parts. The reason I didn’t turn it off right away was because in the background I saw me standing there looking at the scene being videotaped. I had no previous recollection of this event and now it’s all I see when I close my eyes.

Today was a good day. I shaved my facial hair into a really cool soulpatch and right after that I saw up a girl’s skirt. This was seriously the best day ever!

Well well well. It seems that Colin, that guy that all the girls just love is up to his old tactics again. I was eating my lunch minding my own business when Colin, or Colon as I call him when he’s not in the same room as me, comes up from behind and messes up my hair, “What’s up faggot?” he bellows. Surely he was not referring to me so I ignore him and concentrate on my meal. Next thing I know his penis is next to my face and he’s waving it around like it’s the piñata stick at an odd adult-themed birthday party. I continue to ignore him while he hoots and hollars, pretending that his penis is getting out of control and yelling, “Watch out, I can’t control it! Watch OUT!” I go to take a bite out of my custom made sandwich when he uses his penis to knock it out of my mouth mid-bite. This frustrates me so much that I began chomping towards Colon’s dick hoping to get a good enough hold of it so he would get the message. Meanwhile, Colon is holding his dick in one hand, waving it all over my face while the other hand makes lasso circles in the air above his head yelling, “Yahoo, ride ‘em cowboy!”. Across the room several of my (cute) female coworkers are looking in horror, some of them using their cellphones to record the whole fiasco and upload it to YouTube where my parents and girls I like will see it no doubt. I’m sick of you people putting those videos up! Needless to say Colon got away intact and I was left with my dick-slapped sandwich but the joke’s on him because I anticipated this and loaded the sucker full of spicy Dijon mustard so I’m sure his reign of terror is over.I saw that stupid video of Colon, the sandwich and me on YouTube’s featured page today.

30,000 views guys? Really? Come on!

There is certainly more in the journal, but there was a lot of entries and to be honest it was a pretty hard read to get through so when the time is right I’ll add some more.

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