Urban Toledo Gang

A new B’day in lavatory technology!

With patented (pending) technology the Pipe Snipe® begins as soon as you enter the room, greeting the user with a pleasant, “Hello user, shall we begin to defecate shortly?”.  The user then removes his or her clothing and utilizes the Pipe Snipe®’s Pop-a-Squat® seating system to forcefully bend the user’s knees and hip, keeping the back straight while maintaining a efficient sitting posture. With a combination of hitting and sucking, Pipe Snipe® removes the user’s waste and deposits it onto a nearby silver platter where it is weighed and processed for abnormalities. The user is then forced to sift through their feces manually in order to account for the computer’s lack of human emotion that could result in errors overlooking such aspects as shape, size and overall impressiveness of the load. Pipe Snipe® then uploads this information into a personal user profile, compiling data into various forms of charts and graphs which can be used in business meetings or public presentations.

Clean up is a breeze when the deed is done. Pipe Snipe®’s own Anus Tracking System begins by scanning the user’s anus, immediately identifying the user from accessed information off of the database servers. A built-in waterproof camera allows Pipe Snipe® experts to monitor an anus to ensure that user identity is secure and validated. The camera also allows for the tracking and location awareness of an anus, even through movement or sudden change in shape. And with a built in x-ray setting, the camera can see through any obstacles that may find it’s way between the asshole and the camera.

The system then goes to work on cleaning. Two tongs insert shallowly into the anus and gently vibrates it  apart. A snakey, metal rod then sprays a pre-determined amount of water pressure, tempurature, and angle at the user’s colon. The user has the ability to use the Pipe Viewer© (optional) to manually control the rod for a custom clean. A minature blowdryer then blasts dry the user without the need for messy hands and wet clothes. Pipe Snipe® compares the before, during and after scans of the user’s anus during the session and finds the nearest printer on the network and prints out beautiful, high resolution scans for personal viewing.

The anus scans are uploaded into the user’s profile and are then viewable online, all you need to access the now hundreds of thousands of members is a simple name and email address. Subscribe to Pipe Snipe®’s Twitter and RSS feeds to get up-to-date information on your favorite users, compare stats like frequency, consistency and weight. Battle it out with your friends online with several multiplayer games such as King of the Hill: the most amount of weight in a week is crowned. Memory Game: challenge your friends to see who knows who by matching the same buttholes from different times together.  Even control your friend’s Pipe Snipe and earn points by completely cleaning where the poop comes out.

Pipe Snipe® also includes the Automated Nebular Upload System which allows you to network with other Pipe Snipe®s around the world and keep your custom settings. A fully searchable data base allows to user to track his or her stats online and even share with friends. With an integrated Twitter, Facebook, Digg and automatic contact list email update, your friends, family and coworkers are able to follow, and see, what you are doing with the Pipe Snipe and where you’re doing it. Over 2100 locations world-wide means even the most traveled of businessmen feel connected. And now with a newly integrated iPhone app, you can track your friends on the go with up-to-the-minute results sent straight to your iPhone, proudly announcing any new defication goals set by the friends you are following and overriding any previous action to ensure that not a moment is missed. The iPhone also transmits the same data to anyone within the area so they have a frame of reference for when they hear your shouts of astonishment. Astonishment with the new Pipe Snipe®!

Pipe Snipe® is available at all major retailers or order online and receive a free Pipe Viewer© touch tablet so you can see what’s going on down there without having to use cumbersome vanity mirrors. With Pipe Viewer©, the user can take screenshots of the action and uploads them as wallpaper on their website. So go to www.PipeSniper.com and order today! You’re anus will thank you!

Dear Stockholder and Respected Customer of Stephen King’s Olde Garden Worlde and Home Sympousioume (SKOGWHS),

For those of you who do not know me, allow me to introduce myself.  I am the new CEO.  My name is Jack McDougal, and I am here to take SKOGWHS into the next decade of prosperity.  Yes, it is true that I was court appointed, but don’t let that color your judgement of my work or me.

As my first order of business, I will address some of the public relations blunders of my predecessor, and ways in which they are being remedied.

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Lorenzo here reporting from the field. I attended what is known as the “Nerd” expo here in LA and I’ve got the scoop on all the hot titles and gear that will be gracing your greasy covered tv’s the next couple of years. Strap on your strap-ons Wii Motes and prepare to be disabled by these explosive photos.

Feliz and myself parked and made our way into the main entrance of the show. Packs of roaming programmers dotted the vast expanse laid out before us. After looking aimlessly around for a way into the building we found what appeared to be the grand entrance.

This is E3

Click to read on for the entire Journey…

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Even Kings Consult Our Site!

Sure, sure, we know what you’re probably thinking; “If you get kings to visit your site, why would you want my business?”, and that’s exactly why we want you, because you ask the right questions. I’ll be honest with you, now I don’t tell everyone this, in fact you’re the first, but I want you to know that we have a special deal going on that I’m not supposed to tell pe- no, no, I shouldn’t…well, you have an real man’s face, you know, a face I feel will keep the right information in the right place. Alright, I’ll tell you the deal, but you have to do something for me first. Just sign on this line. Pretty much what this boring document that you don’t want to waste your time reading says is that you just agree to certain guidelines on the document, lame legal stuff if you ask me so…there we go.

Ok, now this is going to sound weird but, you know what the penis is right? Ok, now imagine the inside with all of its vein and capillaries and whatnots and imagine blood going through it but the blood is really weak and doesn’t flow if you know what I mean. Now, look at this pill in my hand here. Now what this little blue wonder does is make those veins and insides and stuff in your man parts open up like, like flood gate size so blood is going in and out like a 24 hour diner on 8th Street, you know? Now, imagine your wife, you got a wife? Girlfriend? Now imagine her looking at this busy intersection and watching her eyes light up brighter than a birthday cake for Hugh Hefner on Christmas. It’s that big. I’m saying Godzilla would be jealous, shoot, Mothra would be green with envy. Now I’m not saying anything; you seem like a guy who’s got it going on, but who doesn’t need a boost from time to time? You think Obama conquered America by himself? Nah, I guarantee that he had one of these blue bad-boys in his suit jacket at all times, guarantee it, my friend.

Now, with the way that these things have been going around here, it’s hard to sell just one pack, a pack being about 48 sessions with the lady. No, one pack isn’t enough for a guy with the pizzazz of, now this was my first thought, looked like a young Brad Pitt. I’m not talking Meet Joe Black or even 12 Monkeys B.P., no, I’m talking A River Runs Through It Pittster. So what’s a guy going to do when he’s got the looks and charisma of Brad Pitt? Now this is the deal that I was telling you about: He gets the box. Right off the bat I’m not going to lie to you and I’ll say a box is 1200 sessions but let me just break that down for you real quick. Let’s say that you get going on a bi-nightly basis; you’re a busy guy, sometimes you just got some other stuff going on.  So, bi-nightly. Now you’re already at 182.5 days in the first year alone, so that’s good. And you have to take into account that charisma I mentioned earlier. So you can mark up 4 weekends on top of that year and that’s 8 more. So now you’re sitting at 10 shy of 200 which is no small beans by any means.

Looking at your face now I can hear the question coming: “Can’t I handle this on my own?”, and sure, the answer is yes, but it’s the difference between a robot making love to 50 women and then turning around and making 50 Ford Taurus’ and then going onto 50 more women without so much as a break and you making love to 50 women and then sleeping for 50 hours, you know? I’m not saying anything to your performance, but that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s one thing to give your lady-friend a decent hand shake from time to time, sure, but it’s another thing to start playing a patty-cake game that ends in a climax that’ll knock both your socks off, if you know what I mean, my friend. I’m sure you’ve seen TV from time to time, who hasn’t, and I’m sure you’ve seen the ads that have all the warnings and scare tactics and whos-whats-its, but all of that is just sprinkling for the cake, frosting on the pizza, legs for the table; things you don’t need, but it’s sure darn good to have them. And why shouldn’t you? I’m sure you’ve been a man for most your life and it’s far from me to tell you how to live it, but I do know that 95% of men prefer to get down to business and really dive into a project like the one I’m presenting to you now.

Look, here’s something that I can offer you that I know you wouldn’t get off of a site or late night infomercials is a chance to try it right here and now. That’s what I’m offering to you now. Pop one of these pills, we’ll just jump into the alley over there and you can try the ol’ “blue rocket” out on good ol’ Jimmy here. There’s no pressure – no “hidden fees” of sorts – just your back-to-the-old-days try it before you buy it. My dad was the same way and his dad before him. So you can just lean on my trust I’ll take you all the way. Also, you can give me a reach around if you want.

The UTG has been hitting the pavement to get some of the best celebrity pics. Behind the scenes, paparazzi and personal photos brought to you exclusively from the Urban Toledo Gang’s Celebri-Pics archive.

Famous musician, Berik Dylik, flips off his fans before hitting the stage in front of recently demoralized crowd at his Dylik Concert in New York Friday.

A bodacious and singfull Erika Simpson hit the stage with her favorite “stars” at the Tennessee Music fesitval Tuesday while fans stared in silent wonder.

With sassy snaps, Rihanerik and friend hit the LA streets looking as if one hadn’t gotten beat silly and the other was enjoying an exulting bag of Grandma Whither’s chips.

Eriky Allen wowed starstruck fans with high kicks and gouteed smiles at last week’s concert in Detroit

The adorable reality TV couple, Erikouple, was seen blending in next to a random car with a curious fan in tow in downtown LA last Sunday

Erik Love showing a little blonde carpet on the red carpet at this year’s MTV Music Awards.

This saucy Forrik Whiteriker couple at the 72nd Annual EPPCK SAG awards receiving the award for best couple in their twin roles in the blockbuster smasher, The PC King: The Rise and Fall of the World’s Largest Baby Cat-Man

Vanerik Hudgenrat and her BFF Erach Effrat go on a stroll down the beach.  Our papz* snap some pics!                  *papz – paparazzi