Urban Toledo Gang

Lorenzo here reporting from the field. I attended what is known as the “Nerd” expo here in LA and I’ve got the scoop on all the hot titles and gear that will be gracing your greasy covered tv’s the next couple of years. Strap on your strap-ons Wii Motes and prepare to be disabled by these explosive photos.

Feliz and myself parked and made our way into the main entrance of the show. Packs of roaming programmers dotted the vast expanse laid out before us. After looking aimlessly around for a way into the building we found what appeared to be the grand entrance.

This is E3

Click to read on for the entire Journey…

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Steve Fomper reports on white paranoia.

The rise of Barack Obama to the most powerful postion in the world has been a story full of integrity and high politics, and most breathed a sigh of relief as Bush flew away and Obama marched in on historic Jan. 20th. But only a few days into the presidency, a sense of subtle doubt has seemed to creep up on some of the white voters. On special task Interviewing people from all over the homeland on their thoughts about Obama, i began to see a pattern emerge underneath the prevailant optimism. In areas such as North Carolina and Alabama, I noticed small flocks of middle aged relatively uneducated white males who voted for the president but on seeing him in the whitehouse began to feel a sense of fear. In Carolina I ran into the animated Billy Cutler. A 54 year old house builder for most of his life and married with 4 kids in a strong southern christian family,Billy was a strong embodiment of midwest americana. I asked him his thoughts on the president. ” Everyone was all happy bout this president so i figured, hey, maybe this guys not so bad, america is behind him and i consider myself a patriot, so i voted for the man. But once i saw him stroll into the whitehouse i began to have my doubts, i mean shit, the black panthers still have a lot of say and all what with rap and everything and you just never know his full connections.  And he just looked so confident and sure and tall and has such a booming voice, and well, i’m rather short, insecure, and my voice is unusually high and soft because i worked installing insulation for 20 years and the dust crystals cut my vocal chords to smithereens, and i just felt momentary hatred seeing this man so much better than i. And you know Steve, the blacks are taking over, time to pack your bags.” I notice he literally does have many bags packed in the back of his modest living room. I ask him where he’s going. “Canada Steve, the last promised land for us whites except maybe Russia. See the blacks dont like the cold, like if you’ve ever seen a bee paralyzed by the early morning frost its kinda like that for em. And they’ve conquered most of our sports by this point, even got golf, and i’ve never enjoyed nascar cause its too loud, but in the north you got hockey, one of the whites last stands. And my two daughters Vanessa and Charity are always watching that mtv and most of what i see is black men racing lamborghinis and talking gibberish but my daughters love these guys.  Lets face it, they’re stronger, louder, faster, and they make more popular music. Us whites are on our way out of the evolutionary plan buddy, but god damn i’m gonna move to canda and try to forget it. I mean, maybe we’re still a bit smarter than them and we can just leave blacks the earth and the whites can explore space.” Steve Fomper reporting.

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New Apple computers came out yesterday and that means the floodgates have opened for all the nerds, fanboys, and media hungry businessmen to give up their shout-outs to all their homeboys. what WHAT! While the next consumer reaches out for that latest morsel of shiny goodness, apple stands ever ready behind them for the perfect angle of entry. What makes apple respectable is not their business practices, but the way they know how to navigate an economy that loves to buy things it can’t afford. HURAY! I asked my good friend Zach Klyde to fill us in on what makes this latest offering so special

sick

WHAT WHAT! Hey what’s up Zach here! No so what’s up with yall! Nah, I’m just trashin’! I picked up one of these new macbooks today because I just got the lowdown that apple was going to release some new machines next week. I’ve got the inside scoop for everyone BEFORE it hits! 

First of all. These new machines look like a masterpiece waiting to happen. The all black screen is great and always popular and now the Lacquer queen has shown us some much needed love with enhanced lacquer shine to increase that depth! I challenge anyone to tell me that screen doesn’t look DEEP as SHIT! It’s also nice because I had an accident and it cleaned off nice and quick. I was checking out the underside of the machine when Tom Johnson walked into the store. That guy is a douche so I quickly dropped below the counter so as to he

That's me in secret ops.

 wouldn’t sense my presence. I could tell he was looking for the new computers and since I’m Zach I couldn’t let him have it. I immediately threw the laptop at Tom’s back and it wicked slammed into the back of his head. What a crazy shot! He dropped like a pack of sardines onto a pizza. I came over and spread the sauce. Of course the apple nerds wouldn’t like it so they kicked me out. They suck anyways. I decided to head over to a local chill, the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. They have this contraption there where you can put your cone under a nozzle that looks like a dick

sweet apple wallpaper

and make your own ice cream cones. Usually I can just put some ice cream in my had and walk away but they had a new manager there so I stopped and starred at him. I could tell he knew what I was going to do and I also saw my pictured on the wall behind him so I quickly filled up my hand with some “Hefty Chowder Blueberry Blast” and then chucked it at the guy. It was crazy hilarious as it splattered all over his face like a cream pie. I came over and spread the cream. The mall cops were on a power trip and kicked me out but not after I gave them my first amendment right! Whatever, that’s bull-shit. There was one last stop I had to make before my day was done. Starbucks. I knew this place was popular among the mac nerds so I decided to try and spread my knowledge with them. I entered the store. The lady at the register asked if I wanted anything and gave her this pretty hot “What do you think” kinda look that basically told her I wanted a Grande iced mocha with no whip. I grabe a chair, spun it around and immediately sat down next to a pretty hot chick. I told her “What’s the word on Mac.” She was into it. I could tell because she was starting to sweat. I then reached over and grabbed her leg and asked again. “What’s the word baby.” She looked right back at me and said “Why don’t you look down and find out for yourself.” I looked down and saw it. One of the new mac laptops.

Zach sig carry me out!

sweet

Thanks Zach.

Hi,

What up guys.  Cole, here.  I was just listening to New Kids on the Block – don’t worry, it’s the old stuff…the new album is too popular now to be hip to listen to, although probably just as bad, which means it’s awesome.  But as long as I’m here, I thought I’d transcribe some of the pages from my My Little Pony notebook you always see me scribbling in.  Ah, here’s an entry of the review I made last fall of the movie Eagle Vs. Shark I wrote at the Wendy’s across from the mall while looking at fat kids:

EAGLE VS. SHARK – Movie was great.  People in 80s clothes = awesome!  Windbreakers=hilarious (remember to buy some from Goodwill later).  Guy from Flight of the Conchords (not the one I’m bi for, the other guy).  Sometimes it didn’t make sense, which is trippy awesome.  Didn’t know the director, so that’s good.  Soundtrack had weird music, it was amazing…i felt like dying.  Didn’t know the bands, except Devendra Banhart (but I don’t like him anymore…too popular.  I heard his CD playing at Borders!)  Funny animation bits that didn’t fit in were great – fuck you corporate America and all the shitty movies that just make money.  Me and Jesse were the only people at the movie, everyone else was in line to see No Country For Suck My Balls Coen Brothers.  Coens are such bullshit fatcats.  I give the movie *.  Yup, *.  I’m not fuck face Ebert trying to get rich by giving my sore ass thumbs up to a shitty movie just because fucking Universal and Fox have their million dollar, Lear jet riding, martini stirring gold plated thumbs so far up my ass that I need to get people in the theater.  Fuck, don’t see EAGLE VS. SHARK.  I gave it *, bitch.  Fuck that, 1/4 star.  Don’t see this movie and turn another cinema artist into a Wes “May-As-Well-Be-Bruckheimer-I-Got-So-Much-Money” Anderson!  Before you kow it, we’ll all be corporate robots working for Empire Ford-Starbucks and watching McDonald-Paramount pictures that are all the same with Hallie Berry and Will Ferrell starring in romantic comedies about lovers fight space aliens and sucking Bush’s dick.  Fuck this review, I’m going to Buffalo Exchange and buying a pink t-shirt because I’m not letting society dictate to me that pink is for girls.

Yeah.  I was going through some hard times back then.  Luckily Lex at AlteredNatives Music got me into some Icelandic music that was recorded in bathroom stalls like 30 years ago and then remixed last year by some Europop dudes and accompanied by an orchestra.  It pretty much saved my life because it was so beautiful.  Well, gotta run…me and my vegan girlfriend are going to make buttons that support Ron Paul for president because it is so ironically hilarious.