An indepth inteview with the hottest trend-setters in So-Cal by New American Trend’s Senior Editor, Doug Katzen
A perky group of young twenty-somethings congregate around the entrance of the popular sun tan parlor, Richard’s Rays in downtown Los Angeles. The six of them chatter away loudly, making plans for their next big gathering. A few text messages are sent with plans to meet with even more of these golden-skinned California girls. The girls begin to say their goodbyes through faux hugs and air kisses on either side of each other’s cheeks all while balancing an iced mocha and an over sized tote bag from Gavani or Duetche. They begin to exit the parlor and return to their respective cars when suddenly one blond and loud-voiced girl shouts, “Ass seal!” in a manner that sounds as matter-of-fact as, “See you tomorrow!”. Two girls emerge from the group bare-assed and fly impossibly through the air at each other and connect mid-flight to each other’s asses. The two girls giggle and remain stuck together in this manner until the salutation is over.
This isn’t some form of strange nude public fetish but just the newest form of saying goodbye between young women. While appearing strange to those new to the concept, when looked at beneath the surface, its nothing less than a sign of respect and deep friendship. “When our anuses touch, there really isn’t any other way that you can connect closer to another person. Period.” Says Maddie Saillian of West Hollywood. “If there is a better way to say goodbye to one of your closest friends, it either doesn’t exist or we just haven’t invented it yet.” says another California native with a wry smile.
I had a chance to sit down with the girls who started the Ass-Seal trend and really see where it all began. Sarah, presumably their leader by how the other girls look at her in admiration and the giant size of her bulbous head, starts the interview without the need of a question.
Sarah: “So what this whole Ass-Seal thing is now is a, like, pretty much a big fad that everyone is doing now. But I’ll tell you this; we’ve been ass-sealin’ for a lot longer than these other girls have been.” Sarah looks around the group for confirmation, all of them shake their head in agreement.
Me: “I guess that answers my first question then. So what exactly made you want to start such a strange goodbye?”
Sarah: “Well, it wasn’t just overnight. We had been starting goodbye trends for a while, but nothing really stuck, you know? Then suddenly, like, overnight, I had one of those ‘piphanies and I thought, you know, “why not go ass to ass in a way that says, “see ya, sister!”?” After that it was more popular than Kanye West at a smoothie shop in, I don’t know, Vermont or some weird place. It seriously happened overnight.”
Me: “So where is the limit? What decides who gets the ass-seal and who doesn’t?”
Sarah: “It really comes down to who you know and how much you know them, but there have been times when I’ve done it to complete strangers before. Everyone wants an ass-seal, so you know that it’s not a big deal if you do it.” Sarah suddenly gets up and removes her skirt. “Ass-seal” she screams and she leaps end first to one of the girls in the group who seemed to not be paying attention. As if there was some sort of telepathic link between the two, the girl receiving an ass-seal leaps at Sarah. The resulting sound was like a large butcher’s hand spanking the bare skin of an overweight pig with a subsequent sucking sound that sounds eerily like a cartoon suction sound effect. The two stand there, smiling at their most recent connection. Sarah continues the interview. “It’s like you are saying, hey, you wanna hang out later or you’re like my bestest friend in the world right now. The French have their kissing. We have our ass-seal.”
Me: “So where do you see this trend going?”
Sarah: “Well I recently saw some commercial on TV with Jennifer Aniston and Brett Favre that was talking about little, like, fucked up kids in Africa and in all of the pictures that they had of the kids, none of them were smiling. My hope..no, OUR hope, is that we can go down there and ass-seal each and every one of those children. I think that would make their hunger, diseases and sadness go away like that!” Sarah snaps her fingers together.
Me: “That certainly sounds ambitious, but just the little amount of time I’ve spent with you girls has made me realize that an ass-seal is much more than just a trend; it’s a way of life and it can change the world.”
The girls smile bashfully, a few engage in spontaneous ass-seals.
Me: “One more thing, ladies. Do you think I could get an ass-seal?”
Sarah and group: “Of course! ASS-SEAL~!”