A new B’day in lavatory technology!
With patented (pending) technology the Pipe Snipe® begins as soon as you enter the room, greeting the user with a pleasant, “Hello user, shall we begin to defecate shortly?”. The user then removes his or her clothing and utilizes the Pipe Snipe®’s Pop-a-Squat® seating system to forcefully bend the user’s knees and hip, keeping the back straight while maintaining a efficient sitting posture. With a combination of hitting and sucking, Pipe Snipe® removes the user’s waste and deposits it onto a nearby silver platter where it is weighed and processed for abnormalities. The user is then forced to sift through their feces manually in order to account for the computer’s lack of human emotion that could result in errors overlooking such aspects as shape, size and overall impressiveness of the load. Pipe Snipe® then uploads this information into a personal user profile, compiling data into various forms of charts and graphs which can be used in business meetings or public presentations.
Clean up is a breeze when the deed is done. Pipe Snipe®’s own Anus Tracking System begins by scanning the user’s anus, immediately identifying the user from accessed information off of the database servers. A built-in waterproof camera allows Pipe Snipe® experts to monitor an anus to ensure that user identity is secure and validated. The camera also allows for the tracking and location awareness of an anus, even through movement or sudden change in shape. And with a built in x-ray setting, the camera can see through any obstacles that may find it’s way between the asshole and the camera.
The system then goes to work on cleaning. Two tongs insert shallowly into the anus and gently vibrates it apart. A snakey, metal rod then sprays a pre-determined amount of water pressure, tempurature, and angle at the user’s colon. The user has the ability to use the Pipe Viewer© (optional) to manually control the rod for a custom clean. A minature blowdryer then blasts dry the user without the need for messy hands and wet clothes. Pipe Snipe® compares the before, during and after scans of the user’s anus during the session and finds the nearest printer on the network and prints out beautiful, high resolution scans for personal viewing.
The anus scans are uploaded into the user’s profile and are then viewable online, all you need to access the now hundreds of thousands of members is a simple name and email address. Subscribe to Pipe Snipe®’s Twitter and RSS feeds to get up-to-date information on your favorite users, compare stats like frequency, consistency and weight. Battle it out with your friends online with several multiplayer games such as King of the Hill: the most amount of weight in a week is crowned. Memory Game: challenge your friends to see who knows who by matching the same buttholes from different times together. Even control your friend’s Pipe Snipe and earn points by completely cleaning where the poop comes out.
Pipe Snipe® also includes the Automated Nebular Upload System which allows you to network with other Pipe Snipe®s around the world and keep your custom settings. A fully searchable data base allows to user to track his or her stats online and even share with friends. With an integrated Twitter, Facebook, Digg and automatic contact list email update, your friends, family and coworkers are able to follow, and see, what you are doing with the Pipe Snipe and where you’re doing it. Over 2100 locations world-wide means even the most traveled of businessmen feel connected. And now with a newly integrated iPhone app, you can track your friends on the go with up-to-the-minute results sent straight to your iPhone, proudly announcing any new defication goals set by the friends you are following and overriding any previous action to ensure that not a moment is missed. The iPhone also transmits the same data to anyone within the area so they have a frame of reference for when they hear your shouts of astonishment. Astonishment with the new Pipe Snipe®!
Pipe Snipe® is available at all major retailers or order online and receive a free Pipe Viewer© touch tablet so you can see what’s going on down there without having to use cumbersome vanity mirrors. With Pipe Viewer©, the user can take screenshots of the action and uploads them as wallpaper on their website. So go to www.PipeSniper.com and order today! You’re anus will thank you!